whirlwind

life has been crazy crazy crazy lately.
and by lately i mean the past 13 or so years of my life...
i dont know if i'm more lucky to be doing what i do for a living
or lucky that i love this kind of lifestyle in order to do what i do for a living
traveling never gets old for me
even when i was with Mtv Asia and i was flying out up to 3 times a week (i mean seriously people, there were months when i had more laundry than clean clothes and with the size of my wardrobe that's a nearly impossible task)... anyway, i can honestly say i'm still not jaded by the massive amount of travel i've done all my life... i still sit in awe during every sunrise and sunset that i see from the plane... and the way the clouds form islands below me never ceases to take my breath away.
i just got back 2 nights ago from 2 weeks of work in singapore where i shot a short webisode reality show for Maybelline New York... it was definitely a crazy 2 weeks of work but definitely fun as well and i made some good new friends (: i also had a bit of time to catch up with old friends which i am always so thankful for.
see i don't just have friends in one place... no matter where i am i'm catching up with an old friend and missing some other old friends who are somewhere else... the same way i'm always missing some other place when i'm somewhere else for too long... transient. I'm always in vertigo, on the move, trying to move, planning my next move, relishing my stillness because it will erupt into movement... i'm the neverending one woman tour with an endless supply to share... maybe i should have taken that singing contract when i had the chance ha
who am i kidding? i could never... okay not could never but would never, it's just not my thing- singing that is- unless i'm in the shower or in my car, in which cases it's TOTALLY my thing. but that's all besides the point.
bear with me here, i'm in a rambling sort of mood.
so i just got back from singapore, less than 2 weeks before that i was in hawaii for 2 weeks, and in a week i'm off for chicago then home for a bit then off to boston then home and fortunately but unfortunately my trip to europe was cancelled so it looks like i'll be home for my big 25th birthday... time to plan something spectacular (; what to do what to do... any suggestions?
this year's been very interesting so far... i can't believe the year is half over... i feel like i just moved home, but it's already been a year and a half?!?! where is the time going in such a hurry? she leaves her lovers like a mistress with too much up her sleeves, too many wallets in her pockets.... i wish i had at least one more hour every day... i feel like i'm always too short on sleep or time awake... or maybe i just have too many things to split my time between so it never feels like everyone or everything is getting enough.  how do you apologize for being too ambitious?
should you ever apologize for being too ambitious?
i just finished (finally!) reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and let me tell you... even though it was a long tedious read for me (and i usually breeze through books)... it was worth it. There were so many random "YES!" moments in those darn pages that i not only grew through each exclamation, i shrunk too. The realizations i got from reading the book somehow showed me a whole new way to redistribute the weight in my life so i feel less pressured by everything i've been trying to accomplish. i feel less anxious for the future, less grief for the past, & even though i've generally been good at appreciating the present... i feel like i've gained a whole new appreciation for stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. I'm slowly but surely learning to surrender to the Now.
before i get all philosophical and deep on you, i should explain that my mom told me a long time ago that if you make every moment the best moment it can be, then every past moment will be good and regret will dissolve leaving only learned lessons and good memories. I've always carried that idea with me but this book, The Power of Now, really clarified a few things for me and helped me see how my mom's words of wisdom aren't as one dimensional as i previously understood. It's so much more than that.
There are so many passages i'd like you to read... so many thoughts i think you could use, thoughts i think you need to consider but i can't retype the whole book any more than i can convince you to read it for yourself... but here are a few key thoughts:
"As long as you deny them, as long as you try to escape from them or wish that things were different, the window of opportunity does not open up, and you remain trapped inside that situation, which will remain the same or deteriorate further. With the acknowledgement and acceptance of the facts also comes a degree of freedom from them."

"The first thing to remember is this: As long as you make an identity for yourself out of the pain, you cannot become free of it. As long as part of your sense of self is invested in your emotional pain, you will unconsciously resist or sabotage every attempt that you make to heal that pain. Why? Quite simply because you want tot keep yourself intact, and the pain has become an essential part of you.  This is an unconscious process, and the only way to overcome it is to make it conscious."

"Forgiveness of the present is even more important than forgiveness of the past. If you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time."

"Without a profound change in human consciousness, the world's suffering is a bottomless pit"

"If you can never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept anybody the way they are.  You will judge, criticize, label, reject, or attempt to change people. Furthermore, if you continuously make the Now into a means to an end in the future, you will also make every person you encounter or relate with into a means to an end. The relationship- the human being- is then of secondary importance to you, or of no importance at all. What you can get out of the relationship is primary- be it material gain, a sense of power, physical pleasure, or some form of ego gratification."


So there you have it... a few things i think you should consider, things that could change your life, because i don't know many people who wouldn't want a chance at a better life, a better way to live.

i hope you're enjoying this moment of your life, wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing. i hope you find comfort in the fact that you're alive and that each moment gives you the power to redefine your life and your happiness. i hope this passage finds you happy.

love always,
taya*

pages.

*note: i wrote this on april 26th, but didn't have time to post it before my little adventure so here it is, now.

a chapter of my life will be closing very soon.
no wait, i take that back... not a chapter, a BOOK.
a book that opened when i was 12 will be closing very soon and although a part of me has been anticipating this moment for the past few months, i see now that nothing could have prepared me for this, not really.
this moment, which started the minute i woke up, has not yet passed and has yet to clear itself up or settle down. it's as if i woke up in a cloud and i'm still waiting for the wind or the rain. i'm not really sure which...
does it make sense to say i'm shocked but i'm not surprised? i'm speechless but my mind is overflowing with words- they are neither simple nor profound, but they are words; words that have aged with me these past 13 years; words that have played charades, thrown parades, and even kicked me when i'm down. i've carried these words with me the way i've carried you with me like a whisper that only i can hear. as if somehow we were some strange pitch of frequency that plays in the background the way music plays in a doctors waiting room and very few people ever take the time to notice or appreciate. but we played on, still.
i guess i shouldn't be surprised by your silence. after all it was in silence that we both realized what we would mean to each other. it was in silence that we were always connected. in silence that we realized in some inexplicable way, we loved. i guess it's fitting that here in silence we are tearing apart.
i wonder if i am merely a bookmark in your life, keeping watch over  your favorite page even though you've finished the book. i hope someday when you're feeling nostalgic you'll remember to pick up our book for another read. and i hope each page is every bit as good as you remembered it being the first time around.
and i hope you take the time to remember to read the dedication on the opening page that says:

here is our life
the one we lived together
though always apart
here is our love
that has no end because
it had no start
here is where
you will find me.

balance.

When's the last time you did something good for YOU?

If it takes you more than 5 seconds to think of something then you're not living right my friend.

I firmly believe that everyone should do at least one thing a day that makes them, and maybe even them alone, happy. That one thing can be almost anything- eat a bowl of ice cream, turn your phone off for an hour, dance around the house in your underwear, have that second helping of potato au gratin, sit on the beach, speak your mind, sing at the top of your lungs in the car, something, ANYTHING. Now, if you're like me, then most of your one-a-day-happy-moments will revolve around making other people happy... give money to a beggar, bake someone a cake, help someone with their work, listen to a friends problems… all valid things, but remember to ask yourself this: While I’m helping this person, what am I losing or gaining myself?

I don’t believe in selflessness. I don’t believe in selfishness either. I don’t think either principal is worth basing your life on. I believe in balance. Balance lies at the core of every aspect of my life: work AND play, a balanced diet, time for me AND time for others, spending money AND saving money, technology AND nature… I try my best to divide my life up wisely between what I need and what I want. Balance used to be my biggest enemy. I could never figure out how to prioritize my life the way my mother does so effortlessly; my mother who is a boss, daughter, wife, mother, philanthropist, teacher, student, cook, consumer, host, guest, and woman all in one… and she never left anyone in her life wanting. I’m a few steps closer to her level now, but it’s taken a lot of trial and error, a lot of honest soul searching and harsh reality checks, for me to get here.

Sometimes you have to take a step or two back in order to move a few steps forward. Life is tricky like that. Just when you think you’re where you want to be, you often look around to realize things aren’t exactly the way you thought they’d be. It’s not that the grass is always greener on the other side, but sometimes our imaginations and expectations get the best of us; sometimes we paint a picture based more off of wishful thinking than reality. I’d pick that wishful thinking any day, but lately reality has been pretty nice.

You see, in the past few years I’ve done a lot of growing up… okay that’s inaccurate. I’ve been doing a lot of growing up for about a dozen years now- I mean massive amounts of growing up, rapid growing up. I never really felt like I was on the same page as most of my peers. While they were gossiping at sleepovers I was pulling all-nighters on set. While they were spending their weekends at the movies and the mall I was studying my textbooks between scenes (there’s that balance again!)… I never really felt like I was where I should be with my peers… in middle school I couldn’t wait to get to high school thinking that that was where I’d feel more like I fit in. In high school I learned that I was wrong and began counting down the days until I got those acceptance letters in the mail from all the universities I applied to. Once I got to College I felt let down all over again. As I got older I realized more and more why most of my good friends were older than me and how disconnected I felt from most of my classmates.

Somewhere in the past few years since graduating from University, however, life has played a little trick on me and suddenly I’m not the hard working adult among carefree kids… now they’re all working steady nine to fives and I’m the one flying around the world at the drop of a work hat, traipsing all across Los Angeles going from audition to audition, and the only steady thing in my life is that I’m getting one year older every year.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was experiencing all kinds of anxiety about turning 24 without anything concrete to show for it in the States… well, I don’t think that anxiety will really go away any time soon, but I’ve been coming to terms with it. You see, for someone so in love with living a balanced life, I’ve chosen a very unstable “career” and since I don’t see myself giving up any time soon, Darwin comes into play- it’s survival of the strongest or the smartest in this life and I’m going to do everything I can to be both.

I know myself better than anyone else and I’ve learned a thing or two about who I want to be in this lifetime… In the past few years I’ve cut some negativity out of my life, I’ve let go of a few disappointments, forgiven a few faults, and come to terms with some of my deepest most honest truths… and I’ve learned to appreciate myself- imperfections and all- in the process. In the past few years I’ve been more willing to know myself for who I really am and I’ve been more dedicated to making myself happy because really, at the end of the day, if you can’t make yourself happy, who can? When everything’s said and done and everyone else has gone home for the day, you’re left with YOU. And that should be a very beautiful thing indeed… YOU have the power to make YOU happy. So why wouldn’t you?

Stop standing in your own way. Trust me on this one.

Here’s one more lesson I learned from my very amazing mother: There’s nothing you can do for others if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. The happier you are, the happier you can make the people you come in contact with. The healthier you are, the better able you are to take care of those who need your help. So take care of YOU, first and foremost, then you’ll really be able to help the rest of the world.

So to end this ramble, I’ll leave you with a quote I recently stumbled across:

"Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."  

(~ Jonathan Safran Foer)

Think yourself into happiness. Do it. You’ll thank yourself later, I promise <3

Love always,

Taya*

exquisitely exhausted.

I was txt-talking with a friend today and he said, "Life is fun."
And that's such a simple statement, nothing deep or difficult about it but it may be the most beautiful and poetic thing i've heard all week. There's more truth in those 3 words than in the entire newspaper i read on set yesterday.
I woke up yesterday around 9am and leisurely laid in bed a while longer before getting up and ready for the day ahead of me. After a long while on the computer, a few chapters reading, and a little dance around the apartment (In This City by Iglu & Hartly was the song of choice) i finally got dressed and went down to get coffee: one grande iced caramel machiatto and one venti from my favorite baristas @ the Starbucks on LangSuan (:
I got picked up at noon and hit the set around 1pm, just in time for some scorching sun. After almost 2 hours of makeup, hair, and wardrobe i was finally ready... to jump feet first into the pool. Yes, fully decked out as if i were going to the King's ball, i jumped feet first into a pool. If you'd like to see pictures, click HERE (: After a few jumps, lots of swirly swimming, and a couple of ounces of water up my nose, we all climbed out of the pool and secretly patted ourselves on the back for successfully accomplishing the first half of the shoot- and all before sunset! 
After showering off and switching back into my oh so normal clothes we all met up at the second location, ABAC University Bangna where the architecture alone makes you forget that you're in Bangkok. Big grand pillars and wide archways leading into atriums and elaborately decorated ceilings and ornate light fixtures, it's as if Europe gave birth to a small collection of buildings here in Bangkok and left them to grow and fend for themselves. Either way, it was perfect for what we were going to shoot.
After a quick dinner and another long hour of make up and hair, i was finally camera ready around 7pm. I don't know for certain who designed the dress for this commercial but i'd believe them if they said Coco Chanel herself. It's amazing. It's like 20 yards of red chiffon wrapped around a gorgeous satin red corset that magically created some illusion of a bust for little ol'me whose frame mother nature mostly forgot to bless. 
The primary movement in the whole commercial is me running around in this fabulous red dress- a dress that was MADE for movement- and i spent 8pm til 6am running and falling then running some more... i ran in the red stilettos til my feet cried and turned red then i ran barefoot til the bottom of my feet were as black as ash... then i fell down til i skinned a knee then i ran through puddles as if i were Cinderella and the clock were striking midnight... except it was actually about 5am... and i was beyond delirious. I tend to ramble when i'm delirious. I'm like that woman who wanders the street muttering to herself- you know the one, you can almost imagine the 7 cats she has at home and what she's named them; silly names like hagatha and emeraldine... ANYWAY i own no cats but delirium on set is an old friend. It's been a while since i've worked a 16+ hour day- it's been almost 2 months to be exact- but reliving it feels like running into an old friend at the corner coffee shop. Its moments like these where i look back and realize i've been doing this for 13 years and nothing really phases me anymore. I become fearless and alive and terrified all at once because never once have i forgotten my mortality but it's fun to pretend i'll live forever, even if only through film.
So after a long long day on set we drove home through the city as people were waking up to enjoy their weekends, monks out receiving alms, the markets bustling with fresh goods, kids waking up to a warm cooked breakfast and the promise of play and no school... it took me an hour to wash off my make up, shower, wash my hair and finally get in bed; the time was 8:30am. Thank goodness for thick curtains and a comfy bed. I don't remember falling asleep (do we ever?) and i don't remember hearing either of my alarms go off or the phone ring or ANYTHING for that matter. I slept so deep, so soundly, so intensely that i didnt move all night- or all day rather. And i certainly didnt wake up at 1pm as i had intended... no, sleeping beauty here woke up at 6pm utterly confused. I rolled over and cursed myself for waking up because i thought it was around noon, only to discover that it was 6pm and i had slept away the ENTIRE day. Good thing i didn't have work today too or i would have been in real trouble. Instead, however, i had the nice treat of going to a movie with a friend- Alice in Wonderland to be exact and i wont even get into my opinions here but i will say, Tim Burton is an amazing man. 
SO i have now been awake for about 7 hours and i've been waiting to fall back asleep since oh about 4 hours ago... talk about a wreck... P.S. my body is a mess, i'm bruised in all kinds of places and i ache in the oddest ways- i can't tell if i need more sleep or an actual body work up... but i'm definitely going to get a massage tomorrow! 
Well ladies and gentlemen that was my day / night/ day in a nutshell... i'm sure i've got all kinds of awesome things to tell you except my friends Delirium and Sleepiness are here and i'm afraid they're rather demanding. i'll bid you all good night for now and remind you to never turn down the chance to do something impossible.


"nothing is impossible
the word itself says
i'm possible!"
~ Audrey Hepburn.


love love loving
taya*

give and take.

I'm a pretty stubborn girl. My mom says i get that from my dad and she's probably right. He and i met up for lunch today and as i get older it is more and more amusing to see what qualities i've inherited from either of my parents. I get my patience from my mom, my stubbornness from my dad, my optimism from my mom; i can thank my dad for my sense of humor, my mom for my determination, my dad for creativity, and both my parents for my curiosity.
Today i got curious about a few things... a friend of mine, for example, who i've known for a quite a while but am only really getting to know now. I love long afternoons full of coffee conversation... on another note, I also got into a scuffle with an old friend today, of which i'm still completely confused over. The curiosity over his anger will have to wait i suppose, until he is ready to talk. But lastly today and perhaps most importantly, i am curious about Thailand- Bangkok to be exact. My curiosity stems from that previously mentioned "scuffle" AND my long afternoon of conversing with that friend who, like me, really just wants to make the world a better place- at least for the people he knows and cares about... and so, i've decided that 2 out of 3 today is a pretty decent quota to fill so here goes:

Bangkok is known as the City of Angels, which has always amused me because Los Angeles is also the City of Angels so i'm technically from two completely different cities, both of angels... you'd think i could do no wrong?! Anyway, Bangkok, much like LA is a bustling city with traffic and pollution and corruption and crime, poverty and injustice... too many UNangelic things really... so after much thought i realized i've written & spoken before about ways to make things better in LA, but i've never really recommended ways to help out here in Bangkok.  The curiosity deepens.  Let's be honest, many people think about the ways in which their cities need to be saved but very few people actively seek out a way to make things better and even fewer actually go through with the effort. I've done a few things here and there in Bangkok in my attempt to make things better but nothing i'd like to brag about so i've decided to list some options that i will be considering and following - they range between small things you can do everyday to bigger issues that you can really dive into when you've got the time and energy (: If we all do a little, in the end we've done a lot, right?

1. Don't litter. It's so easy to litter, but guess what, it's just as easy NOT to. Try it. And do us all a favor and take it one step further and pick up someone else's litter and throw it away in a trash can.

2. On that note, try recycling. Recycling is really easy in the States and in most Western countries, here in Asia it can be a bit more difficult. So here are a few things to consider: did you know you can recycle your old electronics? Motorola has globally set up a system to recycle old electronics and it's even available here in Thailand (: check out their website for more info, click HERE.  You can also recycle various forms of office supplies and hardwares such as inkjet or printer cartridges or printer/ computer hardware products via HP, their websites got all kinds of info on it for almost every country worldwide- find out more HERE. Unfortunately, Thailand has yet to create an efficient and effective method of recycling that is accessible to everyone... in the meantime however, most residents may have noticed the people who make a living off buying recycle friendly materials from individual households or businesses in order to sell them to larger, out of the way factories. You've probably seen the men, hard at work riding their tricycles around to collect bottles or cardboard scraps, etc., You may also have noticed the increasing number of trash cans in Thailand that are actually labeled for specific garbage- paper, plastics, bottles, cans, etc., I wish there were a better system for recycling here in Thailand but it just hasn't been established yet... a good place to start though is at work or at school. If your office or school doesn't have segregated trash bins yet, rally for one. And keep an eye on the neighborhood streets for that man collecting recyclable goods! 

About a month ago, The Nation printed an interesting article about the increasing efforts of recycling here in Thailand- you can read it HERE.


3. It's not only important to recycle, but to also keep in mind that you can cut down on the number of things that even need to be recycled. For example, here in Thailand we drink A LOT of bottled water... It's understandable when we're going to restaurants and other establishments to drink their bottled water, but when you're out on the town or going to the gym or park or work or wherever, invest in a good sturdy reusable water bottle that you can fill up with water at home or from the water fountain/ office cooler/ etc., If you're a coffee or tea drinker you can buy tumblers from places like Starbucks that are easy to carry around and refill whenever you need and BONUS, most coffee shops offer a discount if you're using your own tumbler (: Another reusable idea that caught on recently but still needs more push in Asia is the reusable cloth bag. Whenever i leave the house to go shopping now i carry a canvas or cloth bag with me to carry my purchases in. No more plastic bags for me, thanks- i've got all kinds of reusable bags, most of which fold up nicely to fit in my purse. It's a small step of effort but can make a huge difference, especially in a country like Thailand where people spend as much time shopping as they do sitting in traffic.


4. Traffic. Ugh. No one likes sitting in traffic... and i don't know about the rest of you, but i hate sitting in traffic alone. So, what's the easiest solution to both issues? Carpooling. Not only are you putting one less car on the road but you've got someone to talk to while you inch your way to work, school, the mall, or out to dinner. Or even better- meet up with friends and take the MRT or BTS or boat or whatever non-car means of transportation is closest and easiest- that way you're not only lessening traffic but you're avoiding it altogether! 


5. Local charities. Thailand has quite a few major organizations that need your help and money and if you've got the means i would strongly recommend checking out The World Vision Foundation Thailand where you can sponsor a child, feed the kids lunch for a day, donate to their Future Fund, Emergency Relief Fund, or 24 Hour Famine Fund.  For a more extensive list of nonprofit organizations you can volunteer or help out with click HERE. I lean more towards helping kids, orphans, disabled, or HIV infected here in Thailand, but there are people (and animals!) of all walks of life here in Thailand that need your help. If you don't have the time or money, don't forget you can always donate your blood- the red cross makes this easy, worldwide, and here in Thailand you can check out their website HERE.  If you're the kind of person who likes to travel, whether you're here in Thailand or living abroad, i've found a great directory of ways you can put yourself to good use globally- try checking out idealist's website HERE for some awesome traveling charity & volunteer opportunities. If you're looking for a range of ways to volunteer in Thailand whether it's teaching, working with kids, taking care of animals, building houses, or providing medical care try browsing Starfish Volunteers' website HERE.


Hmm... it may be the jetlag kicking in or the fact that i've exhausted my brain today reviewing Propositional Logic lessons but my mind is now blank. blank. blank. I suppose i'll have to settle for this brainstorm effort for now... if any of you have any tips or know of any good ways to volunteer, etc., please leave them in the comment section below and i'll add them in to the list above (:

My curiosity is hungry for more but my brain is aching for sleep. Tonight i'll dream about building a house out of recyclables... and if you want to join me there, check out these 7 houses made of recycled materials! Someday, i want to go HERE! and you should too (: i think what they're doing is amazing... definitely something the rest of us can learn from and appreciate.

Alright kids, i've exhausted myself and i still need to stay up for another hour or so. I hope this entry is informative, inspiring, & gives you some sort of initiative to go out there and try to make a difference in your community <3

lots of love, hope, & curiosity
Taya

ps. i would love to hear what you're doing to help! always feel free to email me (: somisstaya@yahoo.com