whirlwind

life has been crazy crazy crazy lately.
and by lately i mean the past 13 or so years of my life...
i dont know if i'm more lucky to be doing what i do for a living
or lucky that i love this kind of lifestyle in order to do what i do for a living
traveling never gets old for me
even when i was with Mtv Asia and i was flying out up to 3 times a week (i mean seriously people, there were months when i had more laundry than clean clothes and with the size of my wardrobe that's a nearly impossible task)... anyway, i can honestly say i'm still not jaded by the massive amount of travel i've done all my life... i still sit in awe during every sunrise and sunset that i see from the plane... and the way the clouds form islands below me never ceases to take my breath away.
i just got back 2 nights ago from 2 weeks of work in singapore where i shot a short webisode reality show for Maybelline New York... it was definitely a crazy 2 weeks of work but definitely fun as well and i made some good new friends (: i also had a bit of time to catch up with old friends which i am always so thankful for.
see i don't just have friends in one place... no matter where i am i'm catching up with an old friend and missing some other old friends who are somewhere else... the same way i'm always missing some other place when i'm somewhere else for too long... transient. I'm always in vertigo, on the move, trying to move, planning my next move, relishing my stillness because it will erupt into movement... i'm the neverending one woman tour with an endless supply to share... maybe i should have taken that singing contract when i had the chance ha
who am i kidding? i could never... okay not could never but would never, it's just not my thing- singing that is- unless i'm in the shower or in my car, in which cases it's TOTALLY my thing. but that's all besides the point.
bear with me here, i'm in a rambling sort of mood.
so i just got back from singapore, less than 2 weeks before that i was in hawaii for 2 weeks, and in a week i'm off for chicago then home for a bit then off to boston then home and fortunately but unfortunately my trip to europe was cancelled so it looks like i'll be home for my big 25th birthday... time to plan something spectacular (; what to do what to do... any suggestions?
this year's been very interesting so far... i can't believe the year is half over... i feel like i just moved home, but it's already been a year and a half?!?! where is the time going in such a hurry? she leaves her lovers like a mistress with too much up her sleeves, too many wallets in her pockets.... i wish i had at least one more hour every day... i feel like i'm always too short on sleep or time awake... or maybe i just have too many things to split my time between so it never feels like everyone or everything is getting enough.  how do you apologize for being too ambitious?
should you ever apologize for being too ambitious?
i just finished (finally!) reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and let me tell you... even though it was a long tedious read for me (and i usually breeze through books)... it was worth it. There were so many random "YES!" moments in those darn pages that i not only grew through each exclamation, i shrunk too. The realizations i got from reading the book somehow showed me a whole new way to redistribute the weight in my life so i feel less pressured by everything i've been trying to accomplish. i feel less anxious for the future, less grief for the past, & even though i've generally been good at appreciating the present... i feel like i've gained a whole new appreciation for stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. I'm slowly but surely learning to surrender to the Now.
before i get all philosophical and deep on you, i should explain that my mom told me a long time ago that if you make every moment the best moment it can be, then every past moment will be good and regret will dissolve leaving only learned lessons and good memories. I've always carried that idea with me but this book, The Power of Now, really clarified a few things for me and helped me see how my mom's words of wisdom aren't as one dimensional as i previously understood. It's so much more than that.
There are so many passages i'd like you to read... so many thoughts i think you could use, thoughts i think you need to consider but i can't retype the whole book any more than i can convince you to read it for yourself... but here are a few key thoughts:
"As long as you deny them, as long as you try to escape from them or wish that things were different, the window of opportunity does not open up, and you remain trapped inside that situation, which will remain the same or deteriorate further. With the acknowledgement and acceptance of the facts also comes a degree of freedom from them."

"The first thing to remember is this: As long as you make an identity for yourself out of the pain, you cannot become free of it. As long as part of your sense of self is invested in your emotional pain, you will unconsciously resist or sabotage every attempt that you make to heal that pain. Why? Quite simply because you want tot keep yourself intact, and the pain has become an essential part of you.  This is an unconscious process, and the only way to overcome it is to make it conscious."

"Forgiveness of the present is even more important than forgiveness of the past. If you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time."

"Without a profound change in human consciousness, the world's suffering is a bottomless pit"

"If you can never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept anybody the way they are.  You will judge, criticize, label, reject, or attempt to change people. Furthermore, if you continuously make the Now into a means to an end in the future, you will also make every person you encounter or relate with into a means to an end. The relationship- the human being- is then of secondary importance to you, or of no importance at all. What you can get out of the relationship is primary- be it material gain, a sense of power, physical pleasure, or some form of ego gratification."


So there you have it... a few things i think you should consider, things that could change your life, because i don't know many people who wouldn't want a chance at a better life, a better way to live.

i hope you're enjoying this moment of your life, wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing. i hope you find comfort in the fact that you're alive and that each moment gives you the power to redefine your life and your happiness. i hope this passage finds you happy.

love always,
taya*

pages.

*note: i wrote this on april 26th, but didn't have time to post it before my little adventure so here it is, now.

a chapter of my life will be closing very soon.
no wait, i take that back... not a chapter, a BOOK.
a book that opened when i was 12 will be closing very soon and although a part of me has been anticipating this moment for the past few months, i see now that nothing could have prepared me for this, not really.
this moment, which started the minute i woke up, has not yet passed and has yet to clear itself up or settle down. it's as if i woke up in a cloud and i'm still waiting for the wind or the rain. i'm not really sure which...
does it make sense to say i'm shocked but i'm not surprised? i'm speechless but my mind is overflowing with words- they are neither simple nor profound, but they are words; words that have aged with me these past 13 years; words that have played charades, thrown parades, and even kicked me when i'm down. i've carried these words with me the way i've carried you with me like a whisper that only i can hear. as if somehow we were some strange pitch of frequency that plays in the background the way music plays in a doctors waiting room and very few people ever take the time to notice or appreciate. but we played on, still.
i guess i shouldn't be surprised by your silence. after all it was in silence that we both realized what we would mean to each other. it was in silence that we were always connected. in silence that we realized in some inexplicable way, we loved. i guess it's fitting that here in silence we are tearing apart.
i wonder if i am merely a bookmark in your life, keeping watch over  your favorite page even though you've finished the book. i hope someday when you're feeling nostalgic you'll remember to pick up our book for another read. and i hope each page is every bit as good as you remembered it being the first time around.
and i hope you take the time to remember to read the dedication on the opening page that says:

here is our life
the one we lived together
though always apart
here is our love
that has no end because
it had no start
here is where
you will find me.

balance.

When's the last time you did something good for YOU?

If it takes you more than 5 seconds to think of something then you're not living right my friend.

I firmly believe that everyone should do at least one thing a day that makes them, and maybe even them alone, happy. That one thing can be almost anything- eat a bowl of ice cream, turn your phone off for an hour, dance around the house in your underwear, have that second helping of potato au gratin, sit on the beach, speak your mind, sing at the top of your lungs in the car, something, ANYTHING. Now, if you're like me, then most of your one-a-day-happy-moments will revolve around making other people happy... give money to a beggar, bake someone a cake, help someone with their work, listen to a friends problems… all valid things, but remember to ask yourself this: While I’m helping this person, what am I losing or gaining myself?

I don’t believe in selflessness. I don’t believe in selfishness either. I don’t think either principal is worth basing your life on. I believe in balance. Balance lies at the core of every aspect of my life: work AND play, a balanced diet, time for me AND time for others, spending money AND saving money, technology AND nature… I try my best to divide my life up wisely between what I need and what I want. Balance used to be my biggest enemy. I could never figure out how to prioritize my life the way my mother does so effortlessly; my mother who is a boss, daughter, wife, mother, philanthropist, teacher, student, cook, consumer, host, guest, and woman all in one… and she never left anyone in her life wanting. I’m a few steps closer to her level now, but it’s taken a lot of trial and error, a lot of honest soul searching and harsh reality checks, for me to get here.

Sometimes you have to take a step or two back in order to move a few steps forward. Life is tricky like that. Just when you think you’re where you want to be, you often look around to realize things aren’t exactly the way you thought they’d be. It’s not that the grass is always greener on the other side, but sometimes our imaginations and expectations get the best of us; sometimes we paint a picture based more off of wishful thinking than reality. I’d pick that wishful thinking any day, but lately reality has been pretty nice.

You see, in the past few years I’ve done a lot of growing up… okay that’s inaccurate. I’ve been doing a lot of growing up for about a dozen years now- I mean massive amounts of growing up, rapid growing up. I never really felt like I was on the same page as most of my peers. While they were gossiping at sleepovers I was pulling all-nighters on set. While they were spending their weekends at the movies and the mall I was studying my textbooks between scenes (there’s that balance again!)… I never really felt like I was where I should be with my peers… in middle school I couldn’t wait to get to high school thinking that that was where I’d feel more like I fit in. In high school I learned that I was wrong and began counting down the days until I got those acceptance letters in the mail from all the universities I applied to. Once I got to College I felt let down all over again. As I got older I realized more and more why most of my good friends were older than me and how disconnected I felt from most of my classmates.

Somewhere in the past few years since graduating from University, however, life has played a little trick on me and suddenly I’m not the hard working adult among carefree kids… now they’re all working steady nine to fives and I’m the one flying around the world at the drop of a work hat, traipsing all across Los Angeles going from audition to audition, and the only steady thing in my life is that I’m getting one year older every year.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was experiencing all kinds of anxiety about turning 24 without anything concrete to show for it in the States… well, I don’t think that anxiety will really go away any time soon, but I’ve been coming to terms with it. You see, for someone so in love with living a balanced life, I’ve chosen a very unstable “career” and since I don’t see myself giving up any time soon, Darwin comes into play- it’s survival of the strongest or the smartest in this life and I’m going to do everything I can to be both.

I know myself better than anyone else and I’ve learned a thing or two about who I want to be in this lifetime… In the past few years I’ve cut some negativity out of my life, I’ve let go of a few disappointments, forgiven a few faults, and come to terms with some of my deepest most honest truths… and I’ve learned to appreciate myself- imperfections and all- in the process. In the past few years I’ve been more willing to know myself for who I really am and I’ve been more dedicated to making myself happy because really, at the end of the day, if you can’t make yourself happy, who can? When everything’s said and done and everyone else has gone home for the day, you’re left with YOU. And that should be a very beautiful thing indeed… YOU have the power to make YOU happy. So why wouldn’t you?

Stop standing in your own way. Trust me on this one.

Here’s one more lesson I learned from my very amazing mother: There’s nothing you can do for others if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. The happier you are, the happier you can make the people you come in contact with. The healthier you are, the better able you are to take care of those who need your help. So take care of YOU, first and foremost, then you’ll really be able to help the rest of the world.

So to end this ramble, I’ll leave you with a quote I recently stumbled across:

"Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."  

(~ Jonathan Safran Foer)

Think yourself into happiness. Do it. You’ll thank yourself later, I promise <3

Love always,

Taya*

exquisitely exhausted.

I was txt-talking with a friend today and he said, "Life is fun."
And that's such a simple statement, nothing deep or difficult about it but it may be the most beautiful and poetic thing i've heard all week. There's more truth in those 3 words than in the entire newspaper i read on set yesterday.
I woke up yesterday around 9am and leisurely laid in bed a while longer before getting up and ready for the day ahead of me. After a long while on the computer, a few chapters reading, and a little dance around the apartment (In This City by Iglu & Hartly was the song of choice) i finally got dressed and went down to get coffee: one grande iced caramel machiatto and one venti from my favorite baristas @ the Starbucks on LangSuan (:
I got picked up at noon and hit the set around 1pm, just in time for some scorching sun. After almost 2 hours of makeup, hair, and wardrobe i was finally ready... to jump feet first into the pool. Yes, fully decked out as if i were going to the King's ball, i jumped feet first into a pool. If you'd like to see pictures, click HERE (: After a few jumps, lots of swirly swimming, and a couple of ounces of water up my nose, we all climbed out of the pool and secretly patted ourselves on the back for successfully accomplishing the first half of the shoot- and all before sunset! 
After showering off and switching back into my oh so normal clothes we all met up at the second location, ABAC University Bangna where the architecture alone makes you forget that you're in Bangkok. Big grand pillars and wide archways leading into atriums and elaborately decorated ceilings and ornate light fixtures, it's as if Europe gave birth to a small collection of buildings here in Bangkok and left them to grow and fend for themselves. Either way, it was perfect for what we were going to shoot.
After a quick dinner and another long hour of make up and hair, i was finally camera ready around 7pm. I don't know for certain who designed the dress for this commercial but i'd believe them if they said Coco Chanel herself. It's amazing. It's like 20 yards of red chiffon wrapped around a gorgeous satin red corset that magically created some illusion of a bust for little ol'me whose frame mother nature mostly forgot to bless. 
The primary movement in the whole commercial is me running around in this fabulous red dress- a dress that was MADE for movement- and i spent 8pm til 6am running and falling then running some more... i ran in the red stilettos til my feet cried and turned red then i ran barefoot til the bottom of my feet were as black as ash... then i fell down til i skinned a knee then i ran through puddles as if i were Cinderella and the clock were striking midnight... except it was actually about 5am... and i was beyond delirious. I tend to ramble when i'm delirious. I'm like that woman who wanders the street muttering to herself- you know the one, you can almost imagine the 7 cats she has at home and what she's named them; silly names like hagatha and emeraldine... ANYWAY i own no cats but delirium on set is an old friend. It's been a while since i've worked a 16+ hour day- it's been almost 2 months to be exact- but reliving it feels like running into an old friend at the corner coffee shop. Its moments like these where i look back and realize i've been doing this for 13 years and nothing really phases me anymore. I become fearless and alive and terrified all at once because never once have i forgotten my mortality but it's fun to pretend i'll live forever, even if only through film.
So after a long long day on set we drove home through the city as people were waking up to enjoy their weekends, monks out receiving alms, the markets bustling with fresh goods, kids waking up to a warm cooked breakfast and the promise of play and no school... it took me an hour to wash off my make up, shower, wash my hair and finally get in bed; the time was 8:30am. Thank goodness for thick curtains and a comfy bed. I don't remember falling asleep (do we ever?) and i don't remember hearing either of my alarms go off or the phone ring or ANYTHING for that matter. I slept so deep, so soundly, so intensely that i didnt move all night- or all day rather. And i certainly didnt wake up at 1pm as i had intended... no, sleeping beauty here woke up at 6pm utterly confused. I rolled over and cursed myself for waking up because i thought it was around noon, only to discover that it was 6pm and i had slept away the ENTIRE day. Good thing i didn't have work today too or i would have been in real trouble. Instead, however, i had the nice treat of going to a movie with a friend- Alice in Wonderland to be exact and i wont even get into my opinions here but i will say, Tim Burton is an amazing man. 
SO i have now been awake for about 7 hours and i've been waiting to fall back asleep since oh about 4 hours ago... talk about a wreck... P.S. my body is a mess, i'm bruised in all kinds of places and i ache in the oddest ways- i can't tell if i need more sleep or an actual body work up... but i'm definitely going to get a massage tomorrow! 
Well ladies and gentlemen that was my day / night/ day in a nutshell... i'm sure i've got all kinds of awesome things to tell you except my friends Delirium and Sleepiness are here and i'm afraid they're rather demanding. i'll bid you all good night for now and remind you to never turn down the chance to do something impossible.


"nothing is impossible
the word itself says
i'm possible!"
~ Audrey Hepburn.


love love loving
taya*

give and take.

I'm a pretty stubborn girl. My mom says i get that from my dad and she's probably right. He and i met up for lunch today and as i get older it is more and more amusing to see what qualities i've inherited from either of my parents. I get my patience from my mom, my stubbornness from my dad, my optimism from my mom; i can thank my dad for my sense of humor, my mom for my determination, my dad for creativity, and both my parents for my curiosity.
Today i got curious about a few things... a friend of mine, for example, who i've known for a quite a while but am only really getting to know now. I love long afternoons full of coffee conversation... on another note, I also got into a scuffle with an old friend today, of which i'm still completely confused over. The curiosity over his anger will have to wait i suppose, until he is ready to talk. But lastly today and perhaps most importantly, i am curious about Thailand- Bangkok to be exact. My curiosity stems from that previously mentioned "scuffle" AND my long afternoon of conversing with that friend who, like me, really just wants to make the world a better place- at least for the people he knows and cares about... and so, i've decided that 2 out of 3 today is a pretty decent quota to fill so here goes:

Bangkok is known as the City of Angels, which has always amused me because Los Angeles is also the City of Angels so i'm technically from two completely different cities, both of angels... you'd think i could do no wrong?! Anyway, Bangkok, much like LA is a bustling city with traffic and pollution and corruption and crime, poverty and injustice... too many UNangelic things really... so after much thought i realized i've written & spoken before about ways to make things better in LA, but i've never really recommended ways to help out here in Bangkok.  The curiosity deepens.  Let's be honest, many people think about the ways in which their cities need to be saved but very few people actively seek out a way to make things better and even fewer actually go through with the effort. I've done a few things here and there in Bangkok in my attempt to make things better but nothing i'd like to brag about so i've decided to list some options that i will be considering and following - they range between small things you can do everyday to bigger issues that you can really dive into when you've got the time and energy (: If we all do a little, in the end we've done a lot, right?

1. Don't litter. It's so easy to litter, but guess what, it's just as easy NOT to. Try it. And do us all a favor and take it one step further and pick up someone else's litter and throw it away in a trash can.

2. On that note, try recycling. Recycling is really easy in the States and in most Western countries, here in Asia it can be a bit more difficult. So here are a few things to consider: did you know you can recycle your old electronics? Motorola has globally set up a system to recycle old electronics and it's even available here in Thailand (: check out their website for more info, click HERE.  You can also recycle various forms of office supplies and hardwares such as inkjet or printer cartridges or printer/ computer hardware products via HP, their websites got all kinds of info on it for almost every country worldwide- find out more HERE. Unfortunately, Thailand has yet to create an efficient and effective method of recycling that is accessible to everyone... in the meantime however, most residents may have noticed the people who make a living off buying recycle friendly materials from individual households or businesses in order to sell them to larger, out of the way factories. You've probably seen the men, hard at work riding their tricycles around to collect bottles or cardboard scraps, etc., You may also have noticed the increasing number of trash cans in Thailand that are actually labeled for specific garbage- paper, plastics, bottles, cans, etc., I wish there were a better system for recycling here in Thailand but it just hasn't been established yet... a good place to start though is at work or at school. If your office or school doesn't have segregated trash bins yet, rally for one. And keep an eye on the neighborhood streets for that man collecting recyclable goods! 

About a month ago, The Nation printed an interesting article about the increasing efforts of recycling here in Thailand- you can read it HERE.


3. It's not only important to recycle, but to also keep in mind that you can cut down on the number of things that even need to be recycled. For example, here in Thailand we drink A LOT of bottled water... It's understandable when we're going to restaurants and other establishments to drink their bottled water, but when you're out on the town or going to the gym or park or work or wherever, invest in a good sturdy reusable water bottle that you can fill up with water at home or from the water fountain/ office cooler/ etc., If you're a coffee or tea drinker you can buy tumblers from places like Starbucks that are easy to carry around and refill whenever you need and BONUS, most coffee shops offer a discount if you're using your own tumbler (: Another reusable idea that caught on recently but still needs more push in Asia is the reusable cloth bag. Whenever i leave the house to go shopping now i carry a canvas or cloth bag with me to carry my purchases in. No more plastic bags for me, thanks- i've got all kinds of reusable bags, most of which fold up nicely to fit in my purse. It's a small step of effort but can make a huge difference, especially in a country like Thailand where people spend as much time shopping as they do sitting in traffic.


4. Traffic. Ugh. No one likes sitting in traffic... and i don't know about the rest of you, but i hate sitting in traffic alone. So, what's the easiest solution to both issues? Carpooling. Not only are you putting one less car on the road but you've got someone to talk to while you inch your way to work, school, the mall, or out to dinner. Or even better- meet up with friends and take the MRT or BTS or boat or whatever non-car means of transportation is closest and easiest- that way you're not only lessening traffic but you're avoiding it altogether! 


5. Local charities. Thailand has quite a few major organizations that need your help and money and if you've got the means i would strongly recommend checking out The World Vision Foundation Thailand where you can sponsor a child, feed the kids lunch for a day, donate to their Future Fund, Emergency Relief Fund, or 24 Hour Famine Fund.  For a more extensive list of nonprofit organizations you can volunteer or help out with click HERE. I lean more towards helping kids, orphans, disabled, or HIV infected here in Thailand, but there are people (and animals!) of all walks of life here in Thailand that need your help. If you don't have the time or money, don't forget you can always donate your blood- the red cross makes this easy, worldwide, and here in Thailand you can check out their website HERE.  If you're the kind of person who likes to travel, whether you're here in Thailand or living abroad, i've found a great directory of ways you can put yourself to good use globally- try checking out idealist's website HERE for some awesome traveling charity & volunteer opportunities. If you're looking for a range of ways to volunteer in Thailand whether it's teaching, working with kids, taking care of animals, building houses, or providing medical care try browsing Starfish Volunteers' website HERE.


Hmm... it may be the jetlag kicking in or the fact that i've exhausted my brain today reviewing Propositional Logic lessons but my mind is now blank. blank. blank. I suppose i'll have to settle for this brainstorm effort for now... if any of you have any tips or know of any good ways to volunteer, etc., please leave them in the comment section below and i'll add them in to the list above (:

My curiosity is hungry for more but my brain is aching for sleep. Tonight i'll dream about building a house out of recyclables... and if you want to join me there, check out these 7 houses made of recycled materials! Someday, i want to go HERE! and you should too (: i think what they're doing is amazing... definitely something the rest of us can learn from and appreciate.

Alright kids, i've exhausted myself and i still need to stay up for another hour or so. I hope this entry is informative, inspiring, & gives you some sort of initiative to go out there and try to make a difference in your community <3

lots of love, hope, & curiosity
Taya

ps. i would love to hear what you're doing to help! always feel free to email me (: somisstaya@yahoo.com

i'm really in for it this time...

Wow.

Has it really been almost a year since i last posted? Shame on me. Please excuse me while i scold myself momentarily...

How is it that i haven't found the time to post when there are many other people out there, far busier than i and far more in demand (i.e. Mr. Jason Mraz) who have not hesitated to update their blogs on a regular basis?! If i could, i would fire myself. 

Alright, now to briefly explain part of why i was Missing In Action for so long... Back in March 2009 i made the transition back to California to continue to pursue my career in acting after having spent about a year and a half trying out my hand at VJ'ing and hosting... things i never really thought i'd have the chance to try and felt compelled to learn from and grow through experience.  I LOVED my time spent in Singapore working with Mtv Asia, truly it was a magnificent experience and i learned so much more than i could have hoped for. But Vj'ing and hosting were never my big callings as far as the entertainment industry goes and i began to feel huge hunger pangs for acting - and for home. So after much discussion with Mtv, i decided to turn down the contract renewal and make my move home, back to California.  Part of the compromise, however, was that i remain as Mtv's disposal whenever the opportunity presented itself- which it has a few times in the past year: The World Stage concert back in August, etc.,.  So all in all, i'm basically freelance with Mtv still & can still call myself an Mtv VJ, although to be honest, my focus right now is acting- primarily here in the US.

It wasn't an easy decision to make... VJ'ing is an incredibly fun job with awesome perks and Mtv is THE company you want to work for when it comes to VJ'ing- i definitely lucked out on that one... but after a year and a half and all the life experience that came with it, i couldn't help but take a step back and an honest look at what i wanted out of the next few years of my life... and it turns out,  i want to act- right now more than anything and if i stayed in Singapore, i knew i would slowly fall into the comfort zone, a place i had already found once in Thailand... It's not that i don't believe in being comfortable, i'm not a Sadist, i simply believe in fighting for what you want and often times that means taking some big risks and often jumping without knowing where you'll land, or if you'll even land on your feet.

It's been a pretty crazy year... it took quite a while for me to move into the house i had bought back in 2007... had to furnish it, decorate, buy furniture, install cable, internet, etc., then find my bearings back in LA.  It took time to catch up with friends- old and new- and step back into the industry in LA which forgets your name a soon as it sees a new face. I've known for years now that i've picked a very fickle industry in which to attempt to succeed and i've known for just as long now that LA is no warmer than an igloo- unless you're the one to bring the fire.

SO 2009 was a year of finding my way... so to speak. I bought a GPS for my car, finally, so i'd stop getting lost on my way to auditions... i found an acting studio that i LOVE and ADORE, finally... and i found a way to deal with the struggle that plagues everyone trying to "make it." What a silly phrase.. "Make it."

Anyway, in September of 2009, i was about to turn 24 and life was looking a little bleak as i went to audition after audition, all the while turning down job offers in Asia and learning SO much in acting class.... It was the weekend before my birthday when i was sitting at home with a few people watching Sunday Night Football and this darn commercial kept playing during the breaks- it was a commercial with a girl i know and it was bumming me out HARD that i was watching her in this commercial while i had yet to book a job in the States. Of course there was a part of me that was genuinely happy for her, a part of me that found HOPE in the fact that she had found work, but overall my sense of dread outweighed either one of those... I went to bed that night thinking... "Great, i turn 24 on tuesday and haven't achieved anything in the States that i set out to do- my last audition on friday was for a role i'm not even fit for- i'm not Chinese/ Vietnamese and no amount of make up will change that- and now what?!" That imminent sense of doubt and dread filled my head that night and i slept horribly. I stayed in bed even longer than usual monday morning because try as i might, no reason to get up was really worth the stretch. Finally when i got up and checked my phone i found a bunch of messages from my manager in LA- they all said, "Call the office as soon as you get this."

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and quickly thought back to the past week to see if there was anything i had done wrong or failed to do... did i forget to go to an audition? did i make someone mad?...   After a few moments hesitation i picked up the phone and dialed the office... After the expected chitchat "how are you" etc., my manager said, "Alright dear, here's the deal. Cold Case wants to book you for that episode you auditioned for on friday but since you're not a SAG (screen actors guild) member we're going to have to see if they're willing to pay for your Taft Hartley fee. I'm going to call them now and see what they say but i just wanted you to know you got it!" 

I almost died. There i was the day before my 24th birthday wallowing in self-pity?anger?frustration? when my manager tells me i've booked my first real acting gig in the States- and on a show i actually love to watch nonetheless?! I don't remember what i said or if i was even coherent but about 5 minutes after we hung up while i was still doing some deep breathing to calm myself down and reminding myself that the studio could refuse to Taft Hartley me, my manager called back to say everything was a go and Cold Case would be making me SAG eligible and i would be shooting the episode that coming friday so i should be expecting phone calls to go in for a fitting and what not before then. I started crying. One of the few moments where i actually experienced tears of JOY in my life... i was crying and laughing and dancing around the house with little Miss Mattie (check my tumblr for pictures of her cute face) dancing and barking around me just as excited as i was... when my roomie walked in the house. She looked like she'd seen a madwoman and didn't know whether to hug me or call the madhouse. There i was sitting on the stairs crying and laughing with Mattie trying to jump up and lick my face - i was so stunned still it took me ages to explain what had happened then we jumped up and down and squealed together for a while before i pulled myself together to face the rest of the day.

I only told a few people initially... something silly in my head saying "don't jinx this by telling the world then have to explain yourself if something goes wrong and it doesn't happen." So i celebrated my 24th birthday that week and filmed my very first acting gig in the US... all in all a very insane week of celebration and nerves.

I'll skip over the details of filming the episode, but i will tell you that it was amazing. I was so nervous the day of that i was actually worried about throwing up on set haha... yeah... classy start to the day right? Well, i didnt throw up, i did however get to China Town on time where i had my own trailer to prepare myself for the day ahead. I was on set for 12 hours. The crew was amazingly nice and took really good care of us even though we were all guest stars. Catering was fantastic and i honestly had a blast- the rest of the cast was great, the scenes were beautiful, and contrary to all my worries, i felt right at home once i heard the pre-filming cues: "quiet on set, extras go, camera, slate, action!"

Weightless. I'm there but not really because i'm me but not really, i'm her and this is her life and it's our life and it's real. There's no way to really explain it without sounding crazy or hokey or silly but it's a rush. A huge rush. I get swallowed in a scene and the terror i feel going into it melt away into a warm pool of comfort that drains when i hear "cut" or "thats a wrap" and i'm back to me- something i'm familiar and comfortable with... missing the rush of nerves that fuels me into a scene.

The episode aired in November and again, i only really told my close friends and family because throughout the day of shooting i didnt get to see any of the playbacks and had no idea what the episode would look like or if i was any good haha Of course my friends managed to surprise me and invited a bunch of my friends over to watch the episode with me... lucky for them i'd been anxious and antsy all day so i had cooked and baked up a storm to pass the time and calm my nerves (cooking and baking has always been very theraputic to me... some people clean, i cook.) It was a great night (: i was incredibly thankful for all the support- even more so from my friends who weren't there and set their clocks in other time zones to catch the episode- or for my friends overseas who went above and beyond to find it online to watch! I'm truly blessed.

November came and went and in December i found myself back in Bangkok shooting a commercial then home for the holidays with family and friends then back here to Asia in January where i finished the commercial- which is now out and on the air- and shoot the March cover of Seventeen Magazine in Singapore plus an issue of ELLE magazine in Thailand, oh! and host the BIG NIGHT OUT concert in Singapore with Utt... January/ February was a very welcoming perfect mix of work and play here in Asia and two weeks after getting home - literally 2 weeks of adjusting back to life in the States, unpacking, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, surprise parties, baby showers, etc., here i am again back in Thailand for work....

Have i ever written about Vertigo? My life is vertigo... but i suppose i'll have to explain that a little later. For now i've got to get into my apartment and clean off the travel dirt from my skin. I've got so much to tell you all, i feel like i'm bursting at the seams. Bear with me and we can continue our little dance (: 

love,

Taya

better late than never

okay okay i know i'm over due again
if this were a class i'd be earning a F--------
then again if this were a class i'd be updating this everyday since
*ahem* i'm quite the nerd/ goody two shoes/ workaholic/ suck up.
yeah that's right i am and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

anyway
life has been good to this little girl lately minus being sicker than sick for a week and minus 2 very important people in my life being sick for a week and minus a few other bumps and bruises that are mostly unavoidable and generally beautifully attributed to LIVING and LOVING. i can't really complain.

so, if you didnt already know, there's something pretty cool & important you should check out:
http://www.mtvasia.com/News/200903/20017763.html

it's a movement and you are a mover.

if you've got the time you should download the animation and watch it- it's the softest version of the issue i've ever seen but hopefully it's just as effective.

i've got a bigger blog on the issue coming soon, but until then, that's the homework i'm leaving you with (:

missing you all
loving immensely

xoxoxoxoxo


ps you can tweet me now... i'm on a mission to find twitter worthy of my time and effort- we'll see how that goes.

www.twitter.com/starryeyedsoul

this was written on March 6th, 2009 @ 4:22am

If I could tivo anything, I’d tivo my dreams…
I have the most insanely wickedly vivid dreams most nights
The kind where I wake up unsure of what world I’ve been living, breathing, and loving in
Or sometimes, fighting for my life...
Speaking languages I don’t remember ever hearing

for the record, I’d just like to say it is entirely possible to be optimistic without being naïve

i’m not sure most artists/ singers/ bands realize how truly lucky they are to be such big witnesses to one of the greatest miracles of human life- they are smiled upon daily and often by massive groups of people at once…. Can you imagine THOUSANDS of people smiling at you at once?!
In an interview once they asked me my favorite part of the job- without a doubt, my number 1 favorite aspect of this life i've chosen is being smiled at. What a beautiful feeling. Second favorite thing to do with my lips.

I decided sometime in my preteen years that I will someday find a way to make the entire world smile at once- not so much in the same exact minute but maybe due to the same exact cause? It’s a slow progressing project… but I’ve had a pretty good start so far… I’ll keep you posted.

tonight was hands down (this is the best day I can ever remember, i'll always remember… sorry a little dashboard confessional came to mind…) anyway, hands down one of the top 3 shows I have EVER been to and I may be only 23 but I have been to MANY MANY shows in MANY countries and heard MANY different types of music… but tonight…. My soul was ablaze. If you havent already seen Mr Jason Mraz LIVE and in the sweet flesh, vocals, hat, exuberant gestures and all... i HIGHLY recommend you find out when he's playing in your city and GO. You can thank me later.

Lately everything in my life feels enhanced… as if I’m extra sensitive to EVERY sensation, emotion, thought, the oddest little things… as If I’m going through some intense lunar cycle and the universe is trying to tap into my soul and feed me through every pore and strand of hair, eye lash, toe nail… it’s made so very aware that I am ALIVE and I am kicking.

I recently finished reading “things I overheard while talking to myself” by alan alda (one of my favorite men EVER) and I learned so much…. Sometimes we all need to listen to ourselves a little more

Jason Mraz told me today that the best advice he’s ever received is to stop listening to the questions and just believe in what you know.. that’s the answer… and it really is…

i’m reading the 7 spiritual steps to success right now, one of my dear friends gave it to me a year ago when I moved to singpore and in the move I lost it somehow… I found it the other day…. And what a moment to find it... right when i'm reinventing my life all over again. Its not quite like someone's jump started my heart but it's kind of close to that feeling. Do you know what i mean?

okay this ramble is truly rambling and it's late. i've got to be up in a few hours so i'll leave you all with that and post again soon from a different state of mind... maybe.

love loving love love
taya*

bubbles and a lil sunshine

i'm not feeling so great today.

sluggish, sore throat, tired, achy- like i'm coming down with something

so i'm holed up in my apartment drinking tea, watching movies, and now finally trying to get some work done online.

ideally i'd be sitting in my sunsoaked living room in california

staring out at the beach, salty breeze ruffling my hair

and that california scent filtering through my body

with each

inhale

exhale

inhale

ex

hale

i can't afford to be sick right now

there's too much going on

i'm giving myself today to rest, 

then i'm sucking it up and soldiering through.

i spent the past weekend in bangkok, my OTHER city of angels

got lots of good quality time in with my mom

caught up with old friends

even did a little shopping

went to a few temples to give alms

and ask for blessings

(you must know that being thai means being buddhist in a sense... its so deeply ingrained in the culture that there's no way around it... it simply becomes a part of who you are and how you live your life)

i got to see my aunty and cousin who i havent seen in over a year....

caught up with my manager

it's been a very good weekend...

i meant to say more- so many inspiring things came to mind as i walked the streets of bangkok (contrary to most people and to their great surprise i DO walk a lot in bangkok)

but i can't seem to find the words right now

all i can think about right now is a moment last thursday when i was sitting here in my living room, reading, when i noticed something floating outside my window in the sunshine...

bubbles.

there were glossy little bubbles floating down from the sky above just passing my window as if to say "hello"

i say enthralled for some time before realizing i should find the source and send a smile up to meet them... but lo&behold! no one in sight! there was no one above or around or ANYWHERE!? just me and my little mystery bubbles

SUCH a beautiful moment in life.

which reminds me of a habit not many people know i have...

i carry a big 99cent store bottle of bubbles in my car for those dreadful moments when i'm stuck in traffic (which is often since i live off the 405).... i like to blow bubbles out my window... you get all kinds of wonderful reactions from the people in nearby cars

and they make me happy

i'm a pretty simple-things kinda girl...

the smallest things can put the biggest smile on my face

(guess that comes with growing up alone with my imagination)

so right now

as i pour another cup of tea

i'm going to watch

the neverending story

(again)

and pick out a new book to read tonight

(i read God's Fool, Starbook, & Kafka on the Shore... all good reads in completely different styles/ manners/ etc., that i definitely recommend

anyway, i'm going to lay down a bit and try to pound some emails out

i hope this entry reminds you of the little things in life that make you happy (:

lovelove xx

taya

take a step back.

isn't it funny how life dangles time before you like a teasing master before a puppy? and like puppies sometimes we want that time more than anything in the world... other times, we're too distracted by the butterflies or the scent of something curious in the air, we could care less about the time and would rather it pass us by unnoticed...

i've gotten into the habit of underlining my books lately... well, if you count the past few months, "lately."  some writers are such magical word weavers that i want to commit their revelations to memory... i suppose sometimes it's just beautiful metaphors or descriptions... but other times i feel myself living through their characters- like, we could be siblings separated at birth and living in completely different places (and often at completely different times). i suppose sometimes (read: most of the time) it's just nice to know you're not the only one who feels a certain way, or thinks a certain thought, or even wishes for the oddest little things...

i'm currently reading "God's Fool."  It's a story about Chang and Eng- the Siamese twins from the early 1900's.  The writer captures such beautiful images in his pages that i may run out of ink before i finish the book. I have a feeling it may be one of those books i'll want to reread as soon as i've turned the last page.  Do you ever feel that way? I have this little habit of watching a movie multiple times in one sitting. I never put anyone else through it with me of course, but nevertheless if i watch a movie and become so smitten with the characters and their lives, i can't help but want to watch it again immediately- review their lives from the point of view of an educated friend of sorts... see if i can pick out other details, habits, intonations, glances.... The first time i watched Amelie i watched it 3 times back to back... the same goes for My Blueberry Nights, Love me if you Dare, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and The Fountain.  I'd like to add another to the list only i can't just yet- it's not out on dvd and since it's a 3 hour long movie i highly doubt i'll be sitting (or paying) to watch in a theater 3 times back to back.  Yes, i just watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and i am completely in love, again, with a life that is not mine- but it was my life! for 3 brief hours... i sat there completely enthralled and subconsciously aching for a pen and pad of paper to record my favorite scenes- lines, images, songs... I dont know how to describe the longing i feel after reading a good book or watching a good movie... but here is my attempt:

On December 31st, 1999 just as the world was at the brink of anticipation for the chaotic Y2K, i went bungee jumping down south by the beaches of Thailand. I should probably mention that i am scared of heights. But it was probably for that exact reason that i did it. Anyway, i was at the top of the lift platform with my toes dangling over the edge listening to the guy tell me to look out as far as i could and jump out- OUT! never DOWN. Never look down, never jump down- always OUT.  So naturally i looked down. Awful idea. But never mind that, the feeling i'm attempting to explain is how i felt immediately after i jumped.  The second i spread my arms and flung myself out over the world and began to FALL, my brain (and body) felt two things- 1) i'm FREE. THIS is LIFE... &... 2) oh-for- the- love- of- all- things- holy- in- this- world- get- me- back- to- where- i- was!!! (in this case, solid ground) ---> here at this moment in my life i actually pictured myself as the coyote in the old road runner cartoons... you know where he's got some devilish plan cooked up involving an anvil and a cliff and before he knows it the road runner has outsmarted him and he's holding the anvil out over the cliff, over emptiness, and he begins to fall while clawing upward at the air? THAT was me in my mind- CLAWING at that empty air to get back where i was when i felt safe.

Does that explain anything at all? Those few seconds after bungee jumping when i felt those two semi conflicting thoughts are almost precisely how i feel after closing a good book or watching the credits roll on a good movie... (and every inch of me hopes that i am IN many many movies that leave me and others feeling that exact same way...) 

So. I'm home now, sans movie to hit repeat on... i've lit all the candles in my apartment and i've left the lights off. There's no music playing and all i can hear are the sounds from the street (and their aren't many at this hour) and the click clacking of my keyboard as i type this ramble.

I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today... he said, "i'm so tired of my life." to which i said "do something to change it. either you change what you're doing or you change your attitude. those are your options. pick one." his pick was to change what he's doing so i told him to change it..."if what you're doing isn't making you happy then why do it? you've got so much potential and so much to look forward to." and HE said, "i can't see it from this viewpoint." (do i have stubborn friends or what?) so here was my advice to him.. Take a step in a different direction- ANY direction- and you'll see it all differently.

this is one of those rare pieces of advice that i've given and actually listened to myself... you know what i mean? every now and then i find myself giving advice that i should probably be keeping in consideration too. so, on the subject of steps... i've taken many many steps in my life thus far and i'm hoping i've got many many more ahead of me, but of the steps i've ummm... stepped, in my 23 years, they've all led me somewhere that i ultimately felt i was destined to be. and i'm a pretty big believer in fate. not in the sense that i'm going to sit back and wait for fate to do what it will with me, but i believe there are certain things we are all destined for- many more things that we must work for- but nonetheless life has a plan for everyone and i feel like i've been living mine to my best ability. of course i've made countless mistakes, been naive plenty of times, and even lied here and there, but i've LIVED and i've learned a lot and of all the things i've learned i'm most thankful for learning how to be honest and how to love- myself, others, strangers, fictional characters, whoever!  Fate throws the most interesting curveballs at you and the oddest people in your path... you never know what might be up ahead, but i know where i'm trying to go and for now that's enough for me. I'm more than happy to enjoy the ride- detours and all (after all, a detour is just another way to get to where you're going isn't it?)

i wish i could detour my life for a few hours right now. if i were home i would walk down to the beach and lie in the sand... the sand feels so cold at night under the stars... this time of year the ocean that licks my california shore is usually beginning to calm down from it's angry winter tantrum... kind of fall back into it's love of the changing season and not crash down so heavily on it's oldest friend.  i could sit on the beach for hours (and i have, often!).  i can't think of any better place to put my life and this universe into perspective. 

hmmmm perspective... 

Merriam Webster defines perspective...

2 a: the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed ; also : point of view b: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance
3 a: a visible scene ; especially : one giving a distinctive impression of distance : vista b: a mental view or prospect
4: the appearance to the eye of objects in respect to their relative distance and positions

and i've always sort of associated perspective with perception....

"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite..." William Blake.

Merriam Webster's got many definitions for perception but here are the two i'd associate it with....
3 a: awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation b: physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a: quick, acute, and intuitive cognition

so i suppose by spending hours in thought on the beach i'm not only putting my life and the universe in perspective but also defining my perception... fine tuning it if you will... sort of keeping myself in check and reminding myself how truly small i am in this universe.

oh. there's also another reason i go down to the beach alone, especially at night... you see ever since i was 11 and discovered that i could climb out my window and sit on part of the roof of my house, i've been having this heavy love affair with the moon. We've seen each other in all sorts of lights, different conditions, different ages, stages, heartbreaks, joys... there are few things in this world that comfort me as much as the moon.  the moon inspires me.

and to share with you all, the most inspiring thing i've read so far this month, here is an excerpt from Jason Mraz's blog (which you can read for yourself on his myspace page- amazing amazing stuff from an incredible human being who isnt afraid to show how human he truly is): "Did you ever stop to think that the Universe decided to have a (insert your name) experience? It isn’t the other way around. You, whoever you think you are, can’t heal your bones. You don’t make your heart beat. You don’t have to sit and think about making your food digest. If you have a child, you aren’t the one inside it making it tick and commanding it to grow. The Universe is at work in so many wonderful ways, and it doesn’t stop just because we begin to think we know everything in the adult system. Hell, everything we know is just a story that we’ve made up to help us organize this reality anyway. And since it’s only a story – feel free to change it at any time."

 So... with that thought i will leave us both... well, i wont really leave me, but i'll leave you to chew on that for a while as i take a nice long hot shower and crawl into bed to relive the past 24 hours of my life that i've spent adding to MY story so far.

i will write again sooner than the last, i promise. love always,

taya

last christmas i gave you my heart...

... that has to be THE most overplayed christmas song EVERRRR.

well ladies and gents, the holidays are here and there's some sort of cheer around every corner- singapore is DECKED OUT in christmas decor and there's all sorts of nonsense going on around orchard road- pretty ridic if you ask me i mean who's ever heard of christmas in the asian tropics?! haha not that i'm really complaining, i've spent half my life celebrating the birth of jesus in tropical heat waves... that's besides the point.

Here's the point.

Christmas, most people seem to forget, is about GIVING. This christmas try to remember how fortunate you are to be able to give... then GIVE. And i dont mean spend all your money on christmas gifts for your other fortunate friends (although i'm guilty guilty guilty- i bought all my friends gifts already) BUT there are lots of other alternatives to ipods, trendy clothes, fancy jewelry, designer purses, and other things that will be forgotten by the time 2010 rolls around. BUT if you're going to spend money- make sure more than you and your friend feel the benefits of christmas :) if you wanna buy a friend some shoes check out:

www.tomsshoes.com - you buy a pair and a pair gets donated to a cute lil barefoot kid in a country wayyy worse off than where you live.

if you're gonna buy toys, buy some for other tots too:

www.toysfortots.org

instead of heading to the mall check out:

www.tenthousandvillages.com

and even better yet, check out www.buynothingchristmas.org

there are SO many other options for xmas gifts than the usual go to a store, pay money, wrap the gift, then hand it to your friend...

one year i made soap for all my friends, another year i decorated picture frames and put pix of me and my friends in them, a few years ago i knitted scarves for my friends, i usually bake or make truffles for our family friends (i baked cookies for the entire mtv office this year), i used to make a lot of jewelry for my gfs for christmas... there are SO many alternatives! you can adopt an endangered animal (remember when i adopted the sea turtles earlier this year?!), you can make something amazing- if you're an artist, create art- if you bake, bake!- if you're good with music, make mixtapes!... honestly, i LOVE homemade gifts, in the end they mean so much more to me than the random material things that i'll love for a year or two- the homemade gifts never get looked over, never get tossed out, and only get more love.

for more ideas on alternative gifts like those check out the alternative link on the www.buynothingchristmas.org website :) 

i'm heading home to the beaches of southern california for christmas and new years to catch up with family and friends and cook cook bake cook bake and enjoy the holidays :) i'd love to hear what you're all up to and i would LOVE to hear what gifts youre giving your friends this year! 

be safe, dont drink and drive, celebrate responsibly, look for ways to smile, and give as much, if not more than you get. take the time to TRULY be with friends and family this holiday season- i'll be making smores around the fireplace with the Rogers family and talking about the good old days- reliving christmases past... playing lots of board games and staying up all night talking. This christmas i hope you all find at least half the happiness i have found in the people in my life. We are all reflections of the world and if you smile from the heart you can start a revolution.

love hugs and holiday cheer

Taya

PILIPINOooo

MABUHAY! hahaha okay okay so i have to admit... i saw it everywhere in the philippines, i've always heard my filipino friends say it... and yet i have no idea what it means...? any clue?

SO 2 days after my european whirlwind of London, Paris, and Take That, i flew off from Singapore to Manila to Caticlan then hopped on a ferry to Boracay! Boracay is BEAUTIFUL- it looks just like the southern islands in Thailand (which are near and dear to my heart) 

But the best part about our little trip was getting to meet mtv vjs from all over.... there was me from Mtv Asia, ZhuZhu from Mtv China, Teppei from Mtv Japan, Mandy from Mtv Taiwan,

 Sean from Mtv Korea, Amber from Mtv New Zealand, and Apl.de.Ap repping Mtv US/ Canada

We had SOOOOO much fun together it was ridiculous! The work was small and easy and we

 had a lot of down time to get to know each other- kick it, swap stories, all that good stuff. Now

 i

 dont know about alllll Mtv Vjs, but the ones i've met are DAMN AWESOME haha Some of us

 have only been with mtv for a while and some of us have been with mtv for 10 years but we all love what we do and we all love life... 

After work and every moment in between we were laughing so hard i felt at home... made me miss my friends at home even more. Then to top it all off, there were these ADORABLE little local kids that would come hang out on the beach in front of our hotel 

they dig these patterns into the sand and place candles in them so they turn into these super dope sand lantern things:

For dinner two different nights we headed to the local fish market where you can pick your own seafood to be cooked- we got shrimp, prawns, fish, clams, squid, and check out the size of this lobster!!!

That lobster was the size of a small child. no joke. my dad was soooo jealous! The night before we left i took a lil sunset sail with teppei and two of our lovely mtv people- SO AWESOME.

I didnt get to see much else of Boracay but it was beautiful from what i have seen and the trip was... an eye opener... a good reminder... soul shining heart smiling times.

thats really all we can hope for these days... 

sorry these are short and a little dry, i'll write more when the apartment isnt threatening to kick me out of my own disorder ;p

love. smile. xoxoxo

i see london, i see france

BONJOUR!

so this is weeks late buuuut i had 2 days between London and Paris before heading to Boracay, Philippines for a week and since i've been back i've been catching up on regular MTV work along with other stuffs- trying to clean the house (my apartment is complete shambles right now, some sort of swirl of laundry, travel clothing, christmas presents, and the random accumulation of the past month of my life.... SO to start here's a quick recap of my european adventures....We took the redeye out of singapore and arrived in london at 6am... driving from Heathrow to the heart of the city in the early morning darkness looks like New Jersey.... not the prettiest city BUT London justified herself later... 

ANYWAY we got to the hotel godawfulearly and they wouldnt let us check in because none of the rooms were available yet... nothing was open... not even the hotel restaurant SO we sat in the lobby couches and i finished reading Paolo Coelho's The Fifth Mountain... when the hotel restaurant finally opened we ate a nice long 2 hour breakfast waiting to see if we could check into our rooms at 10- when we couldnt i slapped on some make up in the lobby bathroom and we grabbed our gear and headed out to shoot.
London day 1 was SO LONDON. Gray, dreary, drizzling, FREEZING and sad out.... we hit the Buckingham Palace then walked through the park to Big Ben and the church then the London Eye then took a boat to Tower Bridge- stopping to shoot footage all along the way and stopping every so often to take pictures- a difficult task for most, but silly me, in my hurry out of the hotel i forgot my gloves- i thought i'd lose a few fingers on

 this trip... almost did! I was so so cold i couldnt even type an email on my blackberry to my

 mom and my roomie letting them know i got there safely.Anyway we finished shooting at 2pm and headed back to the hotel to check into our rooms, shower, change, and then we met up with my producer's cousin who lives in London and offered to take us around... soooo at 3 we finally regrouped and headed out for a quick bite of Japanese then charged the streets to shop shop shop in the 2 hours we had left before all the shops closed at 6 (it was a sunday, unfortunately)... we basically only made it to topshop and h&m - i would go back to london just to go to that damn topshop!!!! it was the retail equivalent of the titanic and i woulda lost all my money if it werent for the time crunch.... soooo 2 solid hours of shopping later (i actually didnt end up with too much! everyone in my life should rejoice haha) we finally headed to dinner. 

I wanted to hit a pub, grab some truly London tastes and a beer or two before going back to the hotel buuut when we finally got to the recommended pub, they were closed sooo we wandered the London streets for a bit longer before finally settling on a cute little italian deli. Dinner was good but nothing beat the last few hours of the day, wandering the British streets, seeing what life in London is all about... i LOVE LONDON!So we turned in early for the night, unfortunately but we did have to be up and out early to head to the eurostar station... long story short... we waited around the eurostar station for AGES - literally hours- until Take That showed up and we were able to ask them 2 quick

 questions before everyone was herded onto the train for the 3 hour ride to Paris. We got to

 Paris and after mass confusion and more cold rain, we finally made it to our hotel where we all checked in then went for a stroll to find a spot for dinner... dinner was MMM MMM

 MMMMMMMMM... then we headed to the TAKE THAT launch party- Circus themed (to match the album title no doubt) with a flame thrower out front and people on stilts and a bunch of girls dressed as the people who sell snacks at the circus annnnd a pretty ballerina girl who was totally nonchalant and tatt'd up- i LOVED her. We waited around with the rest of the papparazzi/ camera people for another hour or two before take that showed up, we took a few snaps at them then grabbed a few drinks, heard the first 2 songs then a handful of us peaced out. It was way too pushy up in that little club and a lot of the guests were... obnoxious. Not my kinda crowd.
I spent the rest of the night galavanting around Paris with Alvey (channel V vj at large and all around awesome guy)- 

we were the only 2 still up to be out and about so we walked the dark parisian streets 

then caught a cab to the eiffel tower just in time for midnight when the tower lights up and dazzles... it sparkles and shimmers and i have to admit i felt my breath catch in wonder.... 

the world can be so beautiful thanks to men.... hard to believe sometimes that we're slowly killing the

 planet... Anyway after that little escapade, we headed back to the hotel for another quick night of sleep.
Day 3 we're up and out early again, we've all got scheduled interviews with TAKE THAT at their awesome little boutique hotel a few blocks from ours so we head over to prep and set up... an hour later i'm talking to the guys about the new album, their old stuff, and when Robbie's gonna rejoin the group, laughing about football and all kinds of random stuff til it's time to cut it all, give Alvey his chance to ask a few questions then me and the channel V team (my team LUCKY THEM arranged to stay on for another few days of play) are off to the eiffel tower again for a little photo op before we catch the train back to London and then head to Heathrow to catch our flights back to asia...
So that in a nutshell was my trip to London/ Paris... i'm now in love with london and i've been in love with paris for years now... SUCH a beautiful city... i cant wait to go back and spend more time there... i could totally live in paris for a while... italy too- i LOVE italy... sigh. But here i am back in my messy little apartment in Singapore trying to wrap up work, bake christmas cookies for the office, then pack my bags to fly home for the holidays :) YAY! That's right folks i'm flying back to california for christmas and new years... SOOOOO STOKED to see my family and my friends and to cook in MY kitchen and drive my car and BE by the beach...

which reminds me of my trip to the philippines... but i'll post that separately....

so many adventures, so little time.. LOVE!

delectable delicious ambiguity.

i found this old journal entry.

thought it was kinda interesting to read back through so i thought i'd post it here. i wrote it back in may 2007 a few days before graduation from loyola marymount university....

They keep telling me that this is a pivotal moment in my life; that this is the beginning of a new chapter... but I feel like I'm beginning a whole new book.

Life is about to become very unstable, fickle, bittersweet, unpredictable, and utterly surreal.... delicious ambiguity.

And in this ethereal moment as I limbo my way through the days, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about choices. Every day we decide between something or another- do I want to wake up early or sleep in, get starbucks or eat breakfast, stay home or go out, say something or let the moment pass... these decisions seem so minute sometimes that I forget they are slowly and discreetly shaping my life.

I've made my fair share of bad choices in the past- I won't call them "wrong choices" because they led me to where I am today... but I have definitely made some stupid decisions, incorrect assumptions, and naive choices.

I don't doubt I have a few more in my future.

But it's all part of the learning process right? We do what we think will make us happy. And I'm not talking about "rob-a-bank, hit-a-stranger, cheat-on-your-significant-other-for-a-night, spend-all-your-money-on-something-stupid" happy...
I'm talking about that deep, true happy where even after you factor in the consequences of your actions, thoughts, and decisions- the happiness is still standing strong.

II- the secret lies in the present- if you pay attention to the present, you will be able to improve it. And if you improve the present, whatever happens afterwards will be better too. Each day brings us Eternity. -II

i'm re-reading The Alchemist. For the 4th time. I'm at that point again in my life where i'm not only questioning EVERYTHING and EVERYONE but i'm running in place listening to EVERYONE ELSE ask me questions that i still can't answer.

How come doing what's right isn't always what FEELS right?

Because of where i am in my life right now, with graduation and the rest of my life ahead of me blah blah blah- i've found myself deep in conversation with various people about decisions- theirs AND mine... the ones i've made, the ones ahead of me, the ones i need to make NOW.

now... do i move to singapore? move back to thailand? stay here? say yes? agree to disagree? try? give up? walk away? burn bridges?

**FYI. i am burning bridges. i've always had a thing for fire. but this time i had help lighting the match. you can thank yourself for that.

then... i could have stayed in thailand- i would be LIVIN IT UP- it would be ridiculous. i would be WORKING. i would be BORED... i could still be stuck in a completely timeconsuminglifedemeaningselfless relationship. thank god i moved.

((where you are is exactly where you are meant to be))

Turning pages...

It's not that I like making things difficult... I don't prefer doing things the hard way, but I'd rather work hard for something than have it handed to me.

There's a lot of hard work up ahead.

and i'm READY for it. ONTHEVERGE.

i wonder who will be around now?

((some people are all talk you know?))

Each person you meet will serve a purpose in your life. It may be as minute as making you smile for 5 seconds as they pass you on the street or as important as making you see something you've been blind to for years.

I don't know what role I play in your life. Nor am I always sure of what role you play in mine... but it has to be comforting to know that no moment in life is ever wasted... right?

**Smile at the person across from you on the subway, tell a stranger a secret, don't burn bridges so quickly... or maybe remember why you built the bridge to begin with.

delicious ambiguity.

II- some stories dont have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiuity -II

so there it is. Taya back in 2007. interesting huh?

wellll i've got a big update coming up but i'm flying off to london/ paris tonight for a few days of work- i'll post a big update when i get back (i'm not taking my laptop with me - highfive!) SO til then, think about it.

oh, and smile.

truth and reconciliation

Yup that's right. MEXICAN food. MMMMMmmmm.... i miss mexican food SO much- being california born and mostly raised, mexican food is eaten just about as often as western/ thai/ japanese in my family and good mexican food is SO hard to find in asia! 

My mom was in town visiting for the weekend so we organized a game night saturday night at my friends house- AWESOMEST IDEA OF THE MONTH.  My mom and i cooked up a storm of tacos, 7 layer dip, and crab + shrimp quesadillas - my mouth is watering just thinking back about the meal....

Anyway we played a few games- "Who am i?" "Scrabble" "Fact or Crap" and overall it was a much needed night in with a few amazing people and some good food. 

It's been a laid back weekend, something rare in my life lately... i can't believe i've been living here in singapore for exactly 10 months already... where does the time go?! 

which brings me back to this entry which is about to take us all back into time- MY time to be exact... November 2 years ago i wrote something which oddly still resonates strongly in my life now... here it is

"each grain of sand is a memory- mine, yours, and a million other smiles i will never know. each grain brings back to me a song or the sound of a distant voice, words whispered like the waves or said in stern silence when moonlight illuminates faces and eyes as the truth sinks in.... and again i'm crying in the sand like when i was five and my cousin crushed my sandcastle simply because he could.

we never needed reason when we were little but we always asked why... i'm afraid to ask that question now- mostly because i think i already know the answers. a lifetime of sand between sandangels and me now, sitting here pen in hand, toes digging into the sand and the understanding of waves- life rising and falling like heartbeats and hopes pulling in and pushing out but always returning because everywhere is home and every move is in a direction whether right or wrong, we move to retrace footsteps we were never aware we made. "

bali, 2005

candy rain.

i have that song stuck in my head.

"myyy love do you ever dreeeaamm of candy coated raiiindrops?"

do you know what i'm talking about?

soul for real circa 1995

listen. love. let go.

burn,

today i woke up, stared at my ceiling for a few minutes before feeling around the bed for my blackberry and beginning my technological tie to the day. At some point in the fingertips-on-bedspread shuffle, i kinda paused and thought.... "why bother?" so i laid there a while longer before really shutting SNOOZE off once again and checking my phone0- getting up to start the random day ahead of me... 

i headed out to work, did some SWAG, then braved the rain to get home to change before charging out to yoga.. a much needed class- it's been far toooooo long since i've set foot in any kind of workout atmosphere (i think the east coast of the island was the last time, where i biked and ran til i thought i'd pass out)...

then i kinda wandered downtown for a while... went to borders where my usual gang at coffee bean WERENT working for once, got my regular chai latte and sat down in the darkest corner with my book- 3rd book i've finished this week (the wednesday letters, the pact, and the virgin suicides)... feels good to be reading so much lately... been doing a lot of writing too- who knows where it comes from?

wandered a little more, bought some salt 'n' vinegar chips, a gingerale, and some cinnamon butter shortbread star cookies (AMAZING), then came home to change back into pjs and just.... sit. lounge. drink in the silence. make dinner. watch tv. zone out. eat cookies. drink a little white wine. laugh out loud to myself. and wonder where in the world did i leave my.......

life's a funny thing isn't it?

when you've got nothing left to burn

you have to set yourself on fire.