bubbles and a lil sunshine

i'm not feeling so great today.

sluggish, sore throat, tired, achy- like i'm coming down with something

so i'm holed up in my apartment drinking tea, watching movies, and now finally trying to get some work done online.

ideally i'd be sitting in my sunsoaked living room in california

staring out at the beach, salty breeze ruffling my hair

and that california scent filtering through my body

with each

inhale

exhale

inhale

ex

hale

i can't afford to be sick right now

there's too much going on

i'm giving myself today to rest, 

then i'm sucking it up and soldiering through.

i spent the past weekend in bangkok, my OTHER city of angels

got lots of good quality time in with my mom

caught up with old friends

even did a little shopping

went to a few temples to give alms

and ask for blessings

(you must know that being thai means being buddhist in a sense... its so deeply ingrained in the culture that there's no way around it... it simply becomes a part of who you are and how you live your life)

i got to see my aunty and cousin who i havent seen in over a year....

caught up with my manager

it's been a very good weekend...

i meant to say more- so many inspiring things came to mind as i walked the streets of bangkok (contrary to most people and to their great surprise i DO walk a lot in bangkok)

but i can't seem to find the words right now

all i can think about right now is a moment last thursday when i was sitting here in my living room, reading, when i noticed something floating outside my window in the sunshine...

bubbles.

there were glossy little bubbles floating down from the sky above just passing my window as if to say "hello"

i say enthralled for some time before realizing i should find the source and send a smile up to meet them... but lo&behold! no one in sight! there was no one above or around or ANYWHERE!? just me and my little mystery bubbles

SUCH a beautiful moment in life.

which reminds me of a habit not many people know i have...

i carry a big 99cent store bottle of bubbles in my car for those dreadful moments when i'm stuck in traffic (which is often since i live off the 405).... i like to blow bubbles out my window... you get all kinds of wonderful reactions from the people in nearby cars

and they make me happy

i'm a pretty simple-things kinda girl...

the smallest things can put the biggest smile on my face

(guess that comes with growing up alone with my imagination)

so right now

as i pour another cup of tea

i'm going to watch

the neverending story

(again)

and pick out a new book to read tonight

(i read God's Fool, Starbook, & Kafka on the Shore... all good reads in completely different styles/ manners/ etc., that i definitely recommend

anyway, i'm going to lay down a bit and try to pound some emails out

i hope this entry reminds you of the little things in life that make you happy (:

lovelove xx

taya

take a step back.

isn't it funny how life dangles time before you like a teasing master before a puppy? and like puppies sometimes we want that time more than anything in the world... other times, we're too distracted by the butterflies or the scent of something curious in the air, we could care less about the time and would rather it pass us by unnoticed...

i've gotten into the habit of underlining my books lately... well, if you count the past few months, "lately."  some writers are such magical word weavers that i want to commit their revelations to memory... i suppose sometimes it's just beautiful metaphors or descriptions... but other times i feel myself living through their characters- like, we could be siblings separated at birth and living in completely different places (and often at completely different times). i suppose sometimes (read: most of the time) it's just nice to know you're not the only one who feels a certain way, or thinks a certain thought, or even wishes for the oddest little things...

i'm currently reading "God's Fool."  It's a story about Chang and Eng- the Siamese twins from the early 1900's.  The writer captures such beautiful images in his pages that i may run out of ink before i finish the book. I have a feeling it may be one of those books i'll want to reread as soon as i've turned the last page.  Do you ever feel that way? I have this little habit of watching a movie multiple times in one sitting. I never put anyone else through it with me of course, but nevertheless if i watch a movie and become so smitten with the characters and their lives, i can't help but want to watch it again immediately- review their lives from the point of view of an educated friend of sorts... see if i can pick out other details, habits, intonations, glances.... The first time i watched Amelie i watched it 3 times back to back... the same goes for My Blueberry Nights, Love me if you Dare, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and The Fountain.  I'd like to add another to the list only i can't just yet- it's not out on dvd and since it's a 3 hour long movie i highly doubt i'll be sitting (or paying) to watch in a theater 3 times back to back.  Yes, i just watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and i am completely in love, again, with a life that is not mine- but it was my life! for 3 brief hours... i sat there completely enthralled and subconsciously aching for a pen and pad of paper to record my favorite scenes- lines, images, songs... I dont know how to describe the longing i feel after reading a good book or watching a good movie... but here is my attempt:

On December 31st, 1999 just as the world was at the brink of anticipation for the chaotic Y2K, i went bungee jumping down south by the beaches of Thailand. I should probably mention that i am scared of heights. But it was probably for that exact reason that i did it. Anyway, i was at the top of the lift platform with my toes dangling over the edge listening to the guy tell me to look out as far as i could and jump out- OUT! never DOWN. Never look down, never jump down- always OUT.  So naturally i looked down. Awful idea. But never mind that, the feeling i'm attempting to explain is how i felt immediately after i jumped.  The second i spread my arms and flung myself out over the world and began to FALL, my brain (and body) felt two things- 1) i'm FREE. THIS is LIFE... &... 2) oh-for- the- love- of- all- things- holy- in- this- world- get- me- back- to- where- i- was!!! (in this case, solid ground) ---> here at this moment in my life i actually pictured myself as the coyote in the old road runner cartoons... you know where he's got some devilish plan cooked up involving an anvil and a cliff and before he knows it the road runner has outsmarted him and he's holding the anvil out over the cliff, over emptiness, and he begins to fall while clawing upward at the air? THAT was me in my mind- CLAWING at that empty air to get back where i was when i felt safe.

Does that explain anything at all? Those few seconds after bungee jumping when i felt those two semi conflicting thoughts are almost precisely how i feel after closing a good book or watching the credits roll on a good movie... (and every inch of me hopes that i am IN many many movies that leave me and others feeling that exact same way...) 

So. I'm home now, sans movie to hit repeat on... i've lit all the candles in my apartment and i've left the lights off. There's no music playing and all i can hear are the sounds from the street (and their aren't many at this hour) and the click clacking of my keyboard as i type this ramble.

I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today... he said, "i'm so tired of my life." to which i said "do something to change it. either you change what you're doing or you change your attitude. those are your options. pick one." his pick was to change what he's doing so i told him to change it..."if what you're doing isn't making you happy then why do it? you've got so much potential and so much to look forward to." and HE said, "i can't see it from this viewpoint." (do i have stubborn friends or what?) so here was my advice to him.. Take a step in a different direction- ANY direction- and you'll see it all differently.

this is one of those rare pieces of advice that i've given and actually listened to myself... you know what i mean? every now and then i find myself giving advice that i should probably be keeping in consideration too. so, on the subject of steps... i've taken many many steps in my life thus far and i'm hoping i've got many many more ahead of me, but of the steps i've ummm... stepped, in my 23 years, they've all led me somewhere that i ultimately felt i was destined to be. and i'm a pretty big believer in fate. not in the sense that i'm going to sit back and wait for fate to do what it will with me, but i believe there are certain things we are all destined for- many more things that we must work for- but nonetheless life has a plan for everyone and i feel like i've been living mine to my best ability. of course i've made countless mistakes, been naive plenty of times, and even lied here and there, but i've LIVED and i've learned a lot and of all the things i've learned i'm most thankful for learning how to be honest and how to love- myself, others, strangers, fictional characters, whoever!  Fate throws the most interesting curveballs at you and the oddest people in your path... you never know what might be up ahead, but i know where i'm trying to go and for now that's enough for me. I'm more than happy to enjoy the ride- detours and all (after all, a detour is just another way to get to where you're going isn't it?)

i wish i could detour my life for a few hours right now. if i were home i would walk down to the beach and lie in the sand... the sand feels so cold at night under the stars... this time of year the ocean that licks my california shore is usually beginning to calm down from it's angry winter tantrum... kind of fall back into it's love of the changing season and not crash down so heavily on it's oldest friend.  i could sit on the beach for hours (and i have, often!).  i can't think of any better place to put my life and this universe into perspective. 

hmmmm perspective... 

Merriam Webster defines perspective...

2 a: the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed ; also : point of view b: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance
3 a: a visible scene ; especially : one giving a distinctive impression of distance : vista b: a mental view or prospect
4: the appearance to the eye of objects in respect to their relative distance and positions

and i've always sort of associated perspective with perception....

"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite..." William Blake.

Merriam Webster's got many definitions for perception but here are the two i'd associate it with....
3 a: awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation b: physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a: quick, acute, and intuitive cognition

so i suppose by spending hours in thought on the beach i'm not only putting my life and the universe in perspective but also defining my perception... fine tuning it if you will... sort of keeping myself in check and reminding myself how truly small i am in this universe.

oh. there's also another reason i go down to the beach alone, especially at night... you see ever since i was 11 and discovered that i could climb out my window and sit on part of the roof of my house, i've been having this heavy love affair with the moon. We've seen each other in all sorts of lights, different conditions, different ages, stages, heartbreaks, joys... there are few things in this world that comfort me as much as the moon.  the moon inspires me.

and to share with you all, the most inspiring thing i've read so far this month, here is an excerpt from Jason Mraz's blog (which you can read for yourself on his myspace page- amazing amazing stuff from an incredible human being who isnt afraid to show how human he truly is): "Did you ever stop to think that the Universe decided to have a (insert your name) experience? It isn’t the other way around. You, whoever you think you are, can’t heal your bones. You don’t make your heart beat. You don’t have to sit and think about making your food digest. If you have a child, you aren’t the one inside it making it tick and commanding it to grow. The Universe is at work in so many wonderful ways, and it doesn’t stop just because we begin to think we know everything in the adult system. Hell, everything we know is just a story that we’ve made up to help us organize this reality anyway. And since it’s only a story – feel free to change it at any time."

 So... with that thought i will leave us both... well, i wont really leave me, but i'll leave you to chew on that for a while as i take a nice long hot shower and crawl into bed to relive the past 24 hours of my life that i've spent adding to MY story so far.

i will write again sooner than the last, i promise. love always,

taya