Wednesday, August 27, 2008

live, love, laugh, READ.


So next to writing and photography, i LOVE reading. Yeah, that's right, i'm a geeky bookworm and i'm SO not ashamed to admit it! I was raised on books more than television and even now, in my 20s and done with school, i read every chance i get- and i'm one of those addicts who CANT PUT DOWN A BOOK ONCE I START READING. My mom always says i'm going to get hit by a car one of these days because i read and walk sometimes too (awful habit, dont try it). Anyway instead of putting a list on this blog page of all the books i love and am waiting to love i thought i'd link you all up to an awesome website full of other book lovers (although they may not all be as geeky as yours truly ;) haha) So here is the site:
www.goodreads.com
and here's my profile there:
www.goodreads.com/profile/taya32
so you can all check out the books i've read, what i'm waiting to read, and what i'm currently reading :) you know... if you feel like it.
i'm always giving my friends books or recommending books or giving away books once i've read and fell in love with them... and i'm always open to recommendations so if you've read any good books lately, let me know!

happy reading!
Taya

p.s. i love the amount of back and forth brought on by my last blog- KEEP RESPONDING. keep writing. keep thinking. keep reading. keep loving <3

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dear World...


In my last blog i took cheesiness to a whole new level and stated the obvious. I'm a happy girl, i have a million reasons to be happy, i'm loved and i love, and the world is my playground, happiness mine for the realizing. 
I'm not going to point out all the devastation in the world. The point of my last blog was to remind the equally fortunate out there how fortunate we all are and how to ALLOW yourself to realize why you should be happy. Obviously no one reading this blog is in an unfortunate circumstance. I mean i know internet is globally accessible now but c'mon, chances are, you're not that desolate if you're online reading my blog. This time around however, i will rub a few facts in your face and tell you a little bit about what you should be doing or maybe i'll just be telling you what i do and hope it inspires you to do the same or even find newer better ways to make the world a little more bearable for those less fortunate. 
First off, i'd like you all to read one of my favorite articles ever.
By Dr. Bob Moorehead

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch tv too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudices.
We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom...."

My turn...
This is a time when people are taking more than they're giving.... a time when if we each do a little, we can do a lot... a time when people who survive a war should be given the chance to survive the peace...

did you know that more than 20 MILLION refugees exist today?
that one- sixth of the world's population lives on less than one dollar a day?
that 1.1 BILLION people lack access to safe drinking water?
that one third of the world has no electricity?
that more than 100 MILLION children arent in school?
that one in six children in africa dies before the age of five?

i'm not trying to depress you. i'm just trying to figure out the mess. i'm trying to figure out what i need to do because i HAVE to do SOMETHING.

maybe you should too.

i've never been poor, never starved, never been destitute or homeless. But there's something i should tell you. I come from a long line of hard working women. My greatgrandmother was working the rice  fields when the bombing started. She fled back into her hut with all her children under her arms. The ground of their home was dirt, well swept and packed tightly, firm enough for my grandmother and her brothers and sisters to sleep on. My grandmother has worked hard and continues to work hard her entire life. I never met my real grandfather. He died in a car crash when my mother was a young girl. My mother used to work with my grandmother in the market place- yelling out prices, trying to attract customers, doing what she could to help put food on the table. I will never know what that's like. I've found myself living through my mom a lot as i've gotten older. She WAS poor. She worked harder (and still does) than anyone i know to not only put food on the table and take care of her little brother but to put herself through school- which she did, finishing at the top of her class, saving enough money to take her uncle up on an offer to move to America where she could learn english, get an American degree and find work, make money, and eventually bring her mother over. My mother worked all day and took night classes. She's worked everywhere doing things i've never even considered- nothing she should be ashamed of but i will honestly admit i've never thought of working in the university cafeteria the entire 4 years i attended Loyola Marymount. My mother did. She worked so hard that not only did she make money to pay for school as she was attending, she got a good job at a bank afterwards and eventually after meeting my father, falling in love and getting married, she moved my grandmother to california to be with us. Nowadays my mother is one of the top females in her company- the only female in fact to hold the position she has.  My mother has worked hard to ensure that i will never live the life she lived. She made sure i would never starve. Never have to walk through the rich neighborhood and pay someone to watch their tv (yeah, she did that as a kid. a rich man and his family would charge change for the poor kids to come in their house and watch cartoons on their tv). My mother made sure i would never know the words "impossible" and "cant."
My mother also made sure that i knew where everything we had came from. I knew that each toy i owned was because she and my dad worked so hard. I knew that i too would be rewarded for hard work. My parents made sure i knew that i was lucky- that most kids arent as lucky as i am and for as long as i can remember, my parents have made trips to orphanages, taking me along to meet other kids who werent as lucky as myself- kids who were abandoned by parents with aids or gambling problems or simply selfishness. To this day I make sure to visit an orphanage at least once a year when i am in Thailand- i've been to them all... the AIDS orphanage, the lost childrens orphanage, the orphanage for kids who are disabled.  They are some of the happiest children i know... Saying good bye to them is the hardest part.
Last year for my birthday i rallied together the entire crew of the tv show i was filming to accompany me to a lost childrens orphanage. We hired a local restaurant well known for their rice and chicken and coconut ice cream, pulled together lots of basic school supplies as well as snacks and toys, and together we all went down and spent my birthday with the kids. We spent the entire afternoon playing games with them, singing and dancing.... one of my favorite birthdays to date. My friends are awesome too. Later that night when i met up with my friends they actually did what i asked and instead of buying me gifts, they donated money which went on to help educate less fortunate children who want to go to university in thailand but can't afford it. 
My mom and one of my best friends will be coming with me this year- next month actually if any of you are in thailand and would like to come too.  Sometime next month i will also be attempting a trip to indonesia to see my mom. My mom, the superwoman she is, takes time during the weekends to travel to the worst parts of indonesia and help set up clean toilet systems as well as water filtration sites for the villagers.  She also helps out with habitat for humanity, building houses for the people who have lost theirs due to natural disasters or simply cant afford a real home. And let me tell you about building houses. When they ask for your help, it's no fluffy job of painting walls or putting up fixtures. I went down to mexico a year or so back when i was in college- the university put together a trip where we all raised money to buy supplies then head down to the poorest parts of Tijuana to help put up houses. We mixed and poured concrete for hours all weekend. EVERYONE helped. It was the sweetest thing... i actually blogged about it way back then... to save time and effort, here's that blog entry:
"...... i went down to mexico this past weekend with a group of college kids from my school- all part of a program we support- 18 of us driving down to SD then to TJ to the far east edge of the city to BUILD HOUSES for those in far worst conditions than any ghetto here in LA.  People living in shacks built out of old garage doors and slabs of metal, wood, anything workable. People make the most of what they have. We worked in the heat for over six hours mixing concrete. The 18 of us and some of the women of the community along with their adorable children, some of which just barely big enough to carry the big shovels we used.  Everyone was all smiles and sweat. We made enough concrete to lay down the foundation of two small houses. The families were beautifully thankful and we scored an amazing home cooked lunch. These people didnt have running water let alone proper housing but they were more than willing to feed their community PLUS 18 temporarily starving college kids, my soul felt amazing.
so many people talked about how affected they were by the poverty in mexico going on this retreat... how horrible the living conditions are... how sad life can be for these people who make the most of it and smile through the rainy days because they're still alive to feel the rain on their skin.
The poverty was comforting to me (as odd as that sounds)... familiar... reminiscent of thailand and the slums i grew up seeing and visiting and working in... i miss what i get to do when i am there, the impact i get the chance to make, although minor, i know it is simply preparation for the bigger things i hope to someday help with. More than anything i miss the kids... the little ones running around with their little brother or sister sitting on their barely developed hips... everyone laughing, making toys out of left over pieces of whatever they can get their little hands on, everyone helping.  These kids have NOTHING compared to what i grew up with and they are BEAUTIFUL.  i want to live like that. i need very little of what i have and i am thankful that i have been as blessed and fortunate as i am- i will never hesitate to give what i have to them, these little kids who come from nothing, who need nothing more than love and opportunities in life to make their lives better. i am going to college for them.

the trip this weekend made me miss thailand. made me miss doing things for other people for once instead of myself or the people around me who are realistically just as fortunate as i am.  it was humbling, refreshing, exhausting, dirty, adorable, reflective, contemplative, REAL. My body hurts in ways i didnt even know were possible and i was covered in 5 layers of dirt when i  finally got home on sunday but my soul was happy.

simply golden.

if you get the chance to do even the smallest bit of good for someone other than yourself i hope you dont hesitate to do it. your soul will love you for it, i promise."

Okay... so i know all that is a lot to handle in one blog... i'm sorry, many people will tell you, once i get going i dont seem to always know when to shut up. BUT i do hope you were able to gain something from all that. Something uplifting. Dont ever feel bad about how fortunate you are- if you're going to feel bad about something feel bad about how little you're doing with your fortune.

here are a few websites you may want to look through- they're some of my frequent visits:

www.one.org
www.invisiblechildren.com
www.habitatforhumanity.org
www.tomsshoes.com
www.makeyourselffoundation.org
www.locksoflove.org (i love the idea of this one- you truly get to GIVE. i chopped all my hair off over a year ago after much wait and was able to donate 12")

okay so there are many more but i'll post them as time goes on... til then, that should be enough to keep you all busy. Also, if you know of any good websites or organizations, please do pass them on my way. Thanks

p.s. Thank you Alan. This was a much needed blog for myself. And hopefully other readers get a little something out of it as well.


LOVE.

a lil cheese never hurt.

There was a moment, at the recent MTV Asia Awards after-party when i was deeply engaged in a shallow conversation with several people (whose names would be all too familiar, so let's just avoid mentioning names altogether) and the topic at hand revolved around teasing me. The topic was: "Why DOES taya smile so much?"
I couldnt help but laugh at my expectant audience and their amused looks, i'm sure they were all waiting for some fantastic life changing answer, but the truth is so much simpler.  I smile so much because i'm so happy. And i'm SO extremely happy because... well, why wouldnt i be? I have amazing parents, friends who i love and who keep me loved all over the world, i get paid to do what i love, i'm learning new things everyday, meeting all kinds of new people, i'm even meeting strangers who encourage me and inspire me to continue to fight for my dreams.  
People tend to think happiness is so complicated... as if it's hard to find, hard to keep, hard to understand.. WHY is it even surprising that i smile so much? HOW is that even possibly mind boggling? worth wondering about? worth asking? how silly. 
It's cheesy, i know. But hey, i'm a little cheesy and i DO love cheese (a lil cheese never hurt anything) The people in my life, more than anything else, make me smile. They make me smile til it hurts, laugh til i cry, they make up for all the awful things i've seen and heard... we all need a strong support to lean on when things get rough- and EVERYONE has rough days.

Remember, always be extra nice to the people you know or meet, EVERYONE is going through something and you never know when it may be hitting them the hardest.

Happiness is as simple as a smile. Did you know scientists did studies once and discovered that simply by forcing your face to smile (even when you dont feel like it) you can BECOME happy? How could it possibly get any easier?

i'll let you in on a little secret... a secret i dont mind sharing because i recently realized that the best secrets are worth sharing, so here it is:
when i'm having a rough day and dont feel like i have much to smile for, i do a little reminding. i sit down with one of my many notebooks and list out everything and anything - anyone- i love. seriously. candy, foods, people, places, moments, from the smallest things to the biggest things... and you should know that to me, the little things add up to be some of the most important. By the time i'm done writing the list i'm happier and much more willing to smile.
funny how sometimes we just need to be reminded of things huh? sometimes i need to be reminded of how truly lucky i am (this one doesnt happen that often though) and every now and then i need to be reminded of all the love in my life.

all i ever wanted, all i ever needed, all i ever could be. LOVE.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

hopeFULLY yours...


hope resonates through hours like movement through water
simply impossible to ignore
even in my deepest pools of thought
the darkest corners of this ocean
i am swimming in the ripples of light-
hearted hope.



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

lullabies


morning is barely morning anymore and i'm shaken from my sleep by the reminder of what happened before i tossed and turned my final hours of yesterday away. 
flashbacks and instant replay stealing my covers like a greedy lover who has forgotten that i'm even there... and i'm awake listening to the lullabies of what was said and what i wish you would have said
but what's done is done and there's no way to erase unwritten words so i suppose i'll keep filling in the blanks you've created and make peace with the fact that this is simply it. 

i'll use old lullabies to fill the silence that is YOU, sing myself to sleep with old melodies from other songs you never sang, and steal the blankets back until i'm warm enough to fall back asleep.

mind.FULL

this little girl's got a lot on her mind tonight...
thoughts dancing across my walls, singing through my head like a cacophany of finely tuned memories that wont seem to let me sleep.

another night wide awake.
brainstorming like pinky and the brain... except i'd rather SAVE the world than TAKE over.

besides, it's not like the world needs anymore political influence let alone another tug-of-war for power... and trust me, i'm no politician. I'm too honest.

So let's try this honesty thing out. If you dont mind i'll dive right in.

i've been reading a lot of blogs lately... mostly friends, a few more famous names, but overall i've come to the conclusion that as much as i love to write, i never seem to write exactly how i want to sound... okay well i wont say "never" but i rarely seem to adequately get my thoughts out and on paper (or in this case the computer screen) quite how i'd like... and yeah i'm one of those people who drafts and redrafts and then undrafts and redrafts the undraft... i do most of my drafting mentally... then when it gets too long to coherently keep track of, i end up writing it all out as a letter or a journal entry (this is probably where i should admit to my hardcore addiction to notebooks. it's an odd habit, i know, but i can't seem to stop buying them!?) Anyway... i have a big conversation coming up in my (altogether too) near future and i'm trying to find all the right words to say... but this is one of those situations where there are no "right" words... just honest words and so i guess you could say i'm trying to draft out the most honest monologue possible; i say monologue because i already know that i'll be doing most of the talking. In fact, i'm pretty sure the person i need to talk to, is completely oblivious to the fact that this ramble of honesty is headed straight for them and life may not (better not) be the same after this epic conversation occurs. 
dare i cross my fingers on this one?
*sigh* i feel like i've been keeping my fingers crossed a lot lately.
dont get me wrong, i'm not the type of girl who sits around and expects life to gently place blessings in the palm of her hand- quite the opposite. I RELISH the opportunity to work for something and i like to think i do my fair share of work for the things, the people, the WHATEVER i want. i firmly believe that luck is when preparation meets opportunity... lately i just feel like i'm all prepared and the opportunities wink my way then disappear out the door as soon as they've bought me my first drink. It's all very confusing. Frustrating. IRRITATING.
so i'm crossing my fingers again.
Here's to preparation and opportunities colliding like cupid and his damn arrows.

wish me luck with my upcoming conversation. i have a feeling, no matter how many drafts i create, i'm not quite ready for this opportunity. 

but time waits for no one... and this little girl is getting tired of overcompensating. 

un.gifted

* some of you may have already read this....

sometimes i have trouble
deciding between who i am
and who i want to be 
i get caught up in the rush
of being true to the moment
i lose sight of the consequences
of my actions and my inactions
i forget to look to my past
to avoid future repeats in mistakes
and some days i find myself looking around
wondering how i ended up here 
again.

they say today is a gift
and some days i'm so busy tearing off the wrapping of the present that i forget to admire how beautifully it was wrapped
(and some days i wish it came with a receipt so i could trade it in for something better)

even as i write this seemingly endless ramble
there are places i should be
other people i should be writing to
but i've decided recently
that if you can't say what you mean then you shouldnt say anything at all

and i've been speecheless

faceless
forgetless
flawlessly flawed.

forgive me for those indiscretions
both past and present
and let me admit to all those in the future

i'd like to say i wont ever make the same mistakes again
but i'm as stubborn as a liar
and almost as creative so time tells me
i'll end up here again

i suppose all i could say is 
i'm sory
but i hate to say sorry
because sorry never says enough
and this silence may be saying it all
but i know you can't hear me through your own thoughts

so i'll go back to being speechless
until i can say what i mean
figure out who i want to be
and how i want to redeem the day
wrap up my apology and give you the present.

hello stranger...


Whenever i think of that greeting, "Hello Stranger," i immediately picture Natalie Portman in CLOSER... when she's crossing the street in that bright pink wig and she meets Jude Law's character for the first time...? Such a beautifully odd moment when she's hit by the cab and he comes to her rescue... "Hello Stranger," she says it with such a big sense of familiarity... as if she knows him, maybe even loves him, and she expected to see him hovering above her in such a situation.

Well... if i were hit by a cab, i wouldnt mind waking up to Jude Law's face... i'd probably forget my name, but at least i'd know his right?

Right.

So... "Hello, Stranger."

I've chosen to start this blog with that particular line because maybe... i've been hit by a metaphorical cab and here you are staring into my starry eyed soul as i come to... and maybe... i'm falling in love with you, MAYBE i should be expecting you (yes, YOU) to be here, reading this, reading ME.

This is the... 4th? 5th? 8th? blog that i've started... i'm usually really good with blogging... but recently (after the start of blogging on mtvasia's website, i've decided that i dont like that site's layout and consequentially have stopped blogging for them- you gotta do what feels right, right?) SO this is where i will be doing most of my blogging from now on... honestly (and you can expect me to always be honest) i'd rather blog somewhere where my audience is seemingly invisible/ faceless/ less obvious... but dont get my wrong, i would still love to hear back from you, Stranger.

Be mean. Be kind. Above all else, BE HONEST. Dont leave your real name if you dont want to, or own up to your thoughts and DO. I'll take you either way. And in turn i hope you'll respect this little place on the world wide web where i've decided to stake claim and bare my soul.

So here it is... my starry eyed soul, open, exposed, and dipped in a myriad of toppings for you to taste as time allows.

Bon appetit.