pages.

*note: i wrote this on april 26th, but didn't have time to post it before my little adventure so here it is, now.

a chapter of my life will be closing very soon.
no wait, i take that back... not a chapter, a BOOK.
a book that opened when i was 12 will be closing very soon and although a part of me has been anticipating this moment for the past few months, i see now that nothing could have prepared me for this, not really.
this moment, which started the minute i woke up, has not yet passed and has yet to clear itself up or settle down. it's as if i woke up in a cloud and i'm still waiting for the wind or the rain. i'm not really sure which...
does it make sense to say i'm shocked but i'm not surprised? i'm speechless but my mind is overflowing with words- they are neither simple nor profound, but they are words; words that have aged with me these past 13 years; words that have played charades, thrown parades, and even kicked me when i'm down. i've carried these words with me the way i've carried you with me like a whisper that only i can hear. as if somehow we were some strange pitch of frequency that plays in the background the way music plays in a doctors waiting room and very few people ever take the time to notice or appreciate. but we played on, still.
i guess i shouldn't be surprised by your silence. after all it was in silence that we both realized what we would mean to each other. it was in silence that we were always connected. in silence that we realized in some inexplicable way, we loved. i guess it's fitting that here in silence we are tearing apart.
i wonder if i am merely a bookmark in your life, keeping watch over  your favorite page even though you've finished the book. i hope someday when you're feeling nostalgic you'll remember to pick up our book for another read. and i hope each page is every bit as good as you remembered it being the first time around.
and i hope you take the time to remember to read the dedication on the opening page that says:

here is our life
the one we lived together
though always apart
here is our love
that has no end because
it had no start
here is where
you will find me.