delectable delicious ambiguity.

i found this old journal entry.

thought it was kinda interesting to read back through so i thought i'd post it here. i wrote it back in may 2007 a few days before graduation from loyola marymount university....

They keep telling me that this is a pivotal moment in my life; that this is the beginning of a new chapter... but I feel like I'm beginning a whole new book.

Life is about to become very unstable, fickle, bittersweet, unpredictable, and utterly surreal.... delicious ambiguity.

And in this ethereal moment as I limbo my way through the days, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about choices. Every day we decide between something or another- do I want to wake up early or sleep in, get starbucks or eat breakfast, stay home or go out, say something or let the moment pass... these decisions seem so minute sometimes that I forget they are slowly and discreetly shaping my life.

I've made my fair share of bad choices in the past- I won't call them "wrong choices" because they led me to where I am today... but I have definitely made some stupid decisions, incorrect assumptions, and naive choices.

I don't doubt I have a few more in my future.

But it's all part of the learning process right? We do what we think will make us happy. And I'm not talking about "rob-a-bank, hit-a-stranger, cheat-on-your-significant-other-for-a-night, spend-all-your-money-on-something-stupid" happy...
I'm talking about that deep, true happy where even after you factor in the consequences of your actions, thoughts, and decisions- the happiness is still standing strong.

II- the secret lies in the present- if you pay attention to the present, you will be able to improve it. And if you improve the present, whatever happens afterwards will be better too. Each day brings us Eternity. -II

i'm re-reading The Alchemist. For the 4th time. I'm at that point again in my life where i'm not only questioning EVERYTHING and EVERYONE but i'm running in place listening to EVERYONE ELSE ask me questions that i still can't answer.

How come doing what's right isn't always what FEELS right?

Because of where i am in my life right now, with graduation and the rest of my life ahead of me blah blah blah- i've found myself deep in conversation with various people about decisions- theirs AND mine... the ones i've made, the ones ahead of me, the ones i need to make NOW.

now... do i move to singapore? move back to thailand? stay here? say yes? agree to disagree? try? give up? walk away? burn bridges?

**FYI. i am burning bridges. i've always had a thing for fire. but this time i had help lighting the match. you can thank yourself for that.

then... i could have stayed in thailand- i would be LIVIN IT UP- it would be ridiculous. i would be WORKING. i would be BORED... i could still be stuck in a completely timeconsuminglifedemeaningselfless relationship. thank god i moved.

((where you are is exactly where you are meant to be))

Turning pages...

It's not that I like making things difficult... I don't prefer doing things the hard way, but I'd rather work hard for something than have it handed to me.

There's a lot of hard work up ahead.

and i'm READY for it. ONTHEVERGE.

i wonder who will be around now?

((some people are all talk you know?))

Each person you meet will serve a purpose in your life. It may be as minute as making you smile for 5 seconds as they pass you on the street or as important as making you see something you've been blind to for years.

I don't know what role I play in your life. Nor am I always sure of what role you play in mine... but it has to be comforting to know that no moment in life is ever wasted... right?

**Smile at the person across from you on the subway, tell a stranger a secret, don't burn bridges so quickly... or maybe remember why you built the bridge to begin with.

delicious ambiguity.

II- some stories dont have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiuity -II

so there it is. Taya back in 2007. interesting huh?

wellll i've got a big update coming up but i'm flying off to london/ paris tonight for a few days of work- i'll post a big update when i get back (i'm not taking my laptop with me - highfive!) SO til then, think about it.

oh, and smile.

truth and reconciliation

Yup that's right. MEXICAN food. MMMMMmmmm.... i miss mexican food SO much- being california born and mostly raised, mexican food is eaten just about as often as western/ thai/ japanese in my family and good mexican food is SO hard to find in asia! 

My mom was in town visiting for the weekend so we organized a game night saturday night at my friends house- AWESOMEST IDEA OF THE MONTH.  My mom and i cooked up a storm of tacos, 7 layer dip, and crab + shrimp quesadillas - my mouth is watering just thinking back about the meal....

Anyway we played a few games- "Who am i?" "Scrabble" "Fact or Crap" and overall it was a much needed night in with a few amazing people and some good food. 

It's been a laid back weekend, something rare in my life lately... i can't believe i've been living here in singapore for exactly 10 months already... where does the time go?! 

which brings me back to this entry which is about to take us all back into time- MY time to be exact... November 2 years ago i wrote something which oddly still resonates strongly in my life now... here it is

"each grain of sand is a memory- mine, yours, and a million other smiles i will never know. each grain brings back to me a song or the sound of a distant voice, words whispered like the waves or said in stern silence when moonlight illuminates faces and eyes as the truth sinks in.... and again i'm crying in the sand like when i was five and my cousin crushed my sandcastle simply because he could.

we never needed reason when we were little but we always asked why... i'm afraid to ask that question now- mostly because i think i already know the answers. a lifetime of sand between sandangels and me now, sitting here pen in hand, toes digging into the sand and the understanding of waves- life rising and falling like heartbeats and hopes pulling in and pushing out but always returning because everywhere is home and every move is in a direction whether right or wrong, we move to retrace footsteps we were never aware we made. "

bali, 2005

candy rain.

i have that song stuck in my head.

"myyy love do you ever dreeeaamm of candy coated raiiindrops?"

do you know what i'm talking about?

soul for real circa 1995

listen. love. let go.

burn,

today i woke up, stared at my ceiling for a few minutes before feeling around the bed for my blackberry and beginning my technological tie to the day. At some point in the fingertips-on-bedspread shuffle, i kinda paused and thought.... "why bother?" so i laid there a while longer before really shutting SNOOZE off once again and checking my phone0- getting up to start the random day ahead of me... 

i headed out to work, did some SWAG, then braved the rain to get home to change before charging out to yoga.. a much needed class- it's been far toooooo long since i've set foot in any kind of workout atmosphere (i think the east coast of the island was the last time, where i biked and ran til i thought i'd pass out)...

then i kinda wandered downtown for a while... went to borders where my usual gang at coffee bean WERENT working for once, got my regular chai latte and sat down in the darkest corner with my book- 3rd book i've finished this week (the wednesday letters, the pact, and the virgin suicides)... feels good to be reading so much lately... been doing a lot of writing too- who knows where it comes from?

wandered a little more, bought some salt 'n' vinegar chips, a gingerale, and some cinnamon butter shortbread star cookies (AMAZING), then came home to change back into pjs and just.... sit. lounge. drink in the silence. make dinner. watch tv. zone out. eat cookies. drink a little white wine. laugh out loud to myself. and wonder where in the world did i leave my.......

life's a funny thing isn't it?

when you've got nothing left to burn

you have to set yourself on fire.

sugar for your ears

Aloha loves!

i just got back from a weekend in KL, Malaysia where i hosted the U.O.X Play event (thanks to the people at XPAX) and as long as the event was (11hours ish) and although not too many people showed up (since it hasnt been well promoted just yet) - the performances were AWESOME. I really admire UOX for pulling together so many local artists to showcase their work at all these events (there are 5 more UOX play events in malaysia between now and january)... seriously it's heartwarming to see locals acts finally get some love (those of you in singapore, please, take note!)...

i fell in love over and over again with a bunch of people who generously poured sugar in my ears over the course of the lovely grey day and the sticky dark night.

here are a few of those wonderful people now; take a taste, fall in love. 

let it happen. (he did:)
 & in case you were wondering...
Zee Avi (previously known as Koko Kaina) singing one of her beautiful original songs called, "Someone You Used to Know"

check out more of her stuff at www.youtube.com/KokoKaina

For a completely different flava in your ears, here's "Little Miss Hip Hop She Dont Stop" Arabyrd who's fresh n young - with a steez like M.I.A:

www.myspace.com/arabyrd

He kicked off the event for us, crooning sweet sweet tunes and talkin to me between sets since we were pretty much the only ones really there haha

www.myspace.com/paolodelfino

If you know asian hip hop you know Joe- he threw it down as usual:

www.myspace.com/joeflizzowkartel

A new trio of guitars to fall in love with, Rashdan + 2 played some awesome melodies that quickened up the night and landed me some where among the stars...

www.myspace.com/rashdanh

Oooo second up that day, Isaac Entry and his lovely guitar... he did a pretty lil cover of Bob Marley's "No woman, No cry" that almost had me in tears

www.myspace.com/ientry

The only boy to bring his EP CDs ect., so i bought one (: check out his page:

www.myspace.com/boamiriqram

Yuna and Mili'z also performed and i loved loved their stuff but i havent found them quite yet... i'll keep you posted

SO besides the AMAZING musicians, there were food&beverage booths, plus flea market stalls with all kindsa goodies from pretty little vintage things to dope graffiti artwork to cupcake stands :) soooo i cant show you what i bought YET but i will show you some pix from the event....

    

mmmm cuppycakes :)   oooo chocolate cake on a stick DIPPED in chocolate and rainbow star sprinkles 

and what better way to end the long day/ night than 

 Ramly burgers with the girls! ;)

alright, time to do laundry and catch up on life at home. hope you all enjoyed your weekend as much as i enjoyed mine <3

strangers & best friends.

*san diego, CA, sometime before summer 2005

when i was six my teacher asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up

i told her i wanted to be a mermaid.

fast forward seventeen years and i would still love to be a mermaid... but i'm on my way to becoming many other things i'd love to be too... ontheverge.

i never pictured myself being here right now in this chair at this moment thinking this let alone writing these thoughts on a website for hundreds of almost strangers to read.
but here i am, here you are, and here we go...

life's greatest expectation is that you will make the most of your life
that things will always change
that you can expect nothing to turn out the way you planned
you never know what may happen
things arent always what they seem...
the same goes for people.
i've met some of the most incredible people in the world and there are so many more incredible people i will be meeting in the future but here is what i've learned from the wonderful random strangers so far...

never give up.
faith is easy to come by hard to hold onto.
human contact is amazing.
a smile can change everything.
my best friends are effing amazing.
laugh until you hurt.
dance dance dance.thunderstorms can be beautiful.
love.
it's okay to feel dangerous.
sexy should be natural.
beauty comes from within.
beware of posers.
dont front.
it's the little things.
take pictures.
read books.
write poetry.
be original.dont sweat the dirty laundry.
love some more.
respect.
follow the golden rule.
things are never as bad as they seem.

recently i've met some very interesting very different very inspiring people.

you can never have too many friends.
lately i've been intrigued to see which of these friends are planning on sticking around... which ones have simply walked away... which ones never left... and which ones are only around for... well... for whatever reason they'll never fulfill...

so many of you, you know who you are, who i loved have left
so many of you who i never thought i'd say hello to again are still around (you know who you are)
so many of you will never hear me say good bye... you should know who you are.

we've shared the better and worst parts of 3 months, 2 years, 3 years, 6 years, 8 years, 10 years, 1 month, and i just wanted to say thank you for everything you did or didnt do.

i have great expectations for my life... and beautiful expectations for my friends.

after all... life is beautiful and you should always expect the unexpected.

*phuket, thailand, september 2008

the details in the fabric...

i took this picture in bali a few years ago... a little local boy on the beach made me completely jealous as he stood there in his natural skin completely absorbed in the world and the ocean before him. 

i'd give anything to be him, there, right now.

today was just one of those days. 

you know the ones.

where nothing goes your way, everything is fraying a little at the edges-

not quite falling apart but unraveling a little...

i woke up with a start this morning

(i've been having the most intense vivid dreams)

and rushed to put my face on and dress to shoot mtv news at the office.

i baked all those cupcakes last night and so i took 24 mini cupcakes for my bosses and co-workers and  with all the sunshine singapore had to offer this morning,

the pretty icing melted off the lil cupcakes by the time i got there!

:(

a sad sad day for cupcakes...

anyway, for whatever reason

i was tongue tied ALL day today

like you wouldnt believe!!!

and that RARELY EVER EVER happens to me

those of you who know me, 

know that i talk fast and i talk a lot.

tongue tied is just not my style.

so news took many many more attempts than usual...

i took my lunch break and sat at starbucks for my morning cup of coffee

(BTW, the starbucks team at plaza singapura? AMAZING. You guys make my day every time i walk in there (: so thank you for that)

so i got my morning cuppacoffee and sat reading for an hour or so-

i'm reading The Wednesday Letters

and i've mentioned to you all before that i get really absorbed in books

i laughed out loud, teared a little, and tried to get through the chapters without being an emotional wreck in public... i wonder if i succeeded...?

anyway then i was off to studio-

4 SWAGS and 1 episode of chart attack

and the tongue tiedness just stuck with me.

SO FRUSTRATING

about half way through the shows i began to feel nauseous and dizzy

(silly me, so absorbed in my coffee and book, i forgot to eat lunch)

so i soldiered on through the rest and then hailed a cab

homeward bound

i zoned out in the cab, ipod in, the "sway me gently" playlist playing

and slid into a silent meditative state where nothing but the lyrics really reached me...

i paid the cab, grabbed my house keys and headed into the apartment

only to realize in the elevator that...

my blackberry bold fell out of my pocket and was sitting in the backseat of the cab.

stupid stupid stupid me.

i ALWAYS check the backseat when i get out

ALWAYS

except today.

sigh. 

so i flipped out, yelled a few profanities at myself

then rushed into the apartment to call the taxi service center from skype

THANK GOD FOR SKYPE

and filed a lost and found claim...

anyway 20 awful minutes later

my roomie got home and 2 minutes later my real estate agent called...!?

the taxi driver found my phone and called her

so she called my roomie

and told me what was going on so i could call MY phone 

the taxi driver

sweet sweet taxi driver man and his heart of gold

drove back to my apartment and returned my phone to me.

HE COULD HAVE MADE SO MUCH MONEY off my carelessness.

i wanted to hug him.

but people here dont seem to be big on physical contact... let alone smiling...

(why is it that singaporeans dont like to smile?... except my friends at starbucks.... no one here really smiles back... some people look at me like i'm a monster when i smile at them.... odd...)

anyway i got my phone back.

i havent felt so relieved in... i dont even know how long! 

and then i felt sick to my stomach realizing how incredibly important my blackberry is to me.

it's awful isnt it

this deep addiction we have to technology...

anyway, that's why i wish i could be that little boy, now, cut all my technological umbilical cords, shed all my manufactured skin, and just stand in awe and wonder of the greatest masterpiece of all... wind in my hair, ocean spray on my skin, and nothing but the humbleness of the world keeping me tied to existence.

amidst my evening panic... i heard jason mraz and james morrison in my head singing...

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine...

everything will be fine.

sometimes it's nice to drown in the silence for a while though

i would have appreciated the silence that accompanied the loss of my bb a lot more

if it were intentional

or just... off.

so tonight

as soon as i post this and finish a few more chapters of the Wednesday Letters

i'll be sitting in the dark for a little meditation

no phones

no computers

no television

no lights

no distractions

just me

my thoughts

and hopefully a little serenity.

it's kind of nice to take some time to examine the details in the fabric....

a lil rainbow chip frosting never hurts...

"There is a candle in your heart,
ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul,
ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?"- Rumi

i feel it.

so i made cupcakes today.

chocolate cupcakes with rainbow chip vanilla frosting.

(and yes i drew pink stars on them).

they saved the day.

*shirt courtesy of miss jilly meyers

smile smile smile that's all i'm asking for.

oh go fly a kite!

it is raining all kinds of ridiculous zoo animals in singapore today and i finished work sooooo early today that i managed to finish errands and everything before noon and so i've been HERE on my couch back in my pjs and hoodie with the air-conditioning on full blast before my roomie gets home and shuts them all down (cuz she gets cold super easy)... i've been GLUED to my laptop for the past 5 hours, doing all kinds of intensely silly reading and research between bites of food and watching Garden State and Juno... yeah it's one of those days.

it's raining it's pouring the sky sounds like its roaring.....

and i want rain boots dammit. why can i never find ones like these when i look for rain boots?!

if you find a pair, send 'em my way. i'm a size 7.5 ;) THANKS!

frost me. please?

i would do unholy things for a cupcake right now.

see that chocolate frosted one at the back with rainbow sprinkles? it's got my name all over it.

speaking of cupcakes, a few weeks ago i got a lovely lil package from a beautiful girl named jillian meyers who is as in love with frosted treats as i am- in the package was a shirt from:

www.johnnycupcakes.com

jillian sent me the shirt that says "make cupcakes, not war" <3

oh, and if you're wondering how to get a girl like me up the stairs?... oh baby baby...

mmm mmmm mmmmmmm all the way up.

tickle is all that remains...

When i was a little watered-down asian girl who looked nothing like either of my parents (oh wait, i still am...).... i used to want to be a ballerina. In fact i insisted on wearing my ballet clothes ALL THE TIME. Then this one halloween, i finally wanted to be something a little more gutsy than a ballerina, i wanted to be SUPERGIRL. Yeah, well my bff at the time beat me to the store and got the last costume.  Guess who was a ballerina again?

2 hours of trick-or-treating later and who really cared? we were so hyped up off of sugary goodness that i could barely write my name (backwards "Y"s and all).  1 decade and a half later i kinda wish i could shove myself back into that ballerina outfit- kinda wish i had stuck with dancing all these years- dancing was always my first love- sometimes you just gotta MOOOOVE in any way you can, just DANCE.

"You know what I do when I feel completely unoriginal? I make a noise or I do something that no one has ever done before. And then I can feel unique again even if it's only for like a second."

Sam (Natalie Portman), Garden State

Beautiful. 

p.s. you should see my recital tapes. we danced to "teddy bear, teddy bear" one year- oh my, my. Teddy Bear had no idea what he was in for.

you are my canvas

one of my fave people, one of the dopest up and coming photographers, new in new york, old as old skool, HAHAHA nah nah jussssst playin... but for reals. check out his shots & his blog
sucka duce! get with it son.

www.buddhabong.com

lovelovelove

it happens.

remember when i told you all that i was in japan for 4 days of work?

welllll here it is :)

thoughts?

who put my earmuffs on the cookie?

i just got home from watching puppets cuss, have loud sex, sing, and find purpose in life.

if you havent already, go watch AVENUE Q whether you're in Boston, New York, or here in Singapore where they're performing at the Esplanade from now til Nov 16. Take the whole family for some dirty fun (unless someone in the family is under 16... THEY will have to wait in the car).  You'll think twice the next time you watch sesame street (and you'll DEFINITELY question Barney's integrity).

what's life without laughter?

can you keep a secret?

i check the POST SECRET blog religiously to see what secrets anonymous strangers are sharing with the world.... here are my two most impressionable/ memorable/ heart tugging from this sunday:

i always try to think of what i would send in... what secret do i have deep down inside that i could release out into the world... then again some of the secrets aren't really secrets at all... just people admitting honest truths about themselves... now THOSE i have plenty of.

Sometimes i eat an extra scoop of ice cream or an extra slice of pizza for all those other girls in my industry who are starving themselves and missing out on the delicious things in life... and i never feel bad about it later.

18.7% of pure f'ingoodness.

my life changed today. 

i'm thanking him:

check out his blog.

you'll thank him too.

www.martinsays.com

make faces.

get snap happy every now and then. you never know what faces you'll make. magical. purely magical. your face will thank you.

then i will when you send me the pix ;) 

just let her dance.

put on your dancing shoes and start a revolution. paint the town pink and forget every insult you've ever heard. find the time to bask in the compliments and the humility to acknowledge that you are only as amazing as the people you surround yourself with. life changes with every breath and even though it gets hard to breathe sometimes, you have to remember the little things that make life worth waking up for in the morning... 

that makes me think of the end of Stranger Than Fiction ... love the ending:

As Harold took a bite of a Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be okay.  Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies.  And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction.  And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause.  They are here to save our lives.  I know the idea seems strange, but i also know that it just so happens to be true.

So. Go buy some Bavarian sugar cookies and hug a friend.

Somedays, thats all you need to get by.