i'm really in for it this time...

Wow.

Has it really been almost a year since i last posted? Shame on me. Please excuse me while i scold myself momentarily...

How is it that i haven't found the time to post when there are many other people out there, far busier than i and far more in demand (i.e. Mr. Jason Mraz) who have not hesitated to update their blogs on a regular basis?! If i could, i would fire myself. 

Alright, now to briefly explain part of why i was Missing In Action for so long... Back in March 2009 i made the transition back to California to continue to pursue my career in acting after having spent about a year and a half trying out my hand at VJ'ing and hosting... things i never really thought i'd have the chance to try and felt compelled to learn from and grow through experience.  I LOVED my time spent in Singapore working with Mtv Asia, truly it was a magnificent experience and i learned so much more than i could have hoped for. But Vj'ing and hosting were never my big callings as far as the entertainment industry goes and i began to feel huge hunger pangs for acting - and for home. So after much discussion with Mtv, i decided to turn down the contract renewal and make my move home, back to California.  Part of the compromise, however, was that i remain as Mtv's disposal whenever the opportunity presented itself- which it has a few times in the past year: The World Stage concert back in August, etc.,.  So all in all, i'm basically freelance with Mtv still & can still call myself an Mtv VJ, although to be honest, my focus right now is acting- primarily here in the US.

It wasn't an easy decision to make... VJ'ing is an incredibly fun job with awesome perks and Mtv is THE company you want to work for when it comes to VJ'ing- i definitely lucked out on that one... but after a year and a half and all the life experience that came with it, i couldn't help but take a step back and an honest look at what i wanted out of the next few years of my life... and it turns out,  i want to act- right now more than anything and if i stayed in Singapore, i knew i would slowly fall into the comfort zone, a place i had already found once in Thailand... It's not that i don't believe in being comfortable, i'm not a Sadist, i simply believe in fighting for what you want and often times that means taking some big risks and often jumping without knowing where you'll land, or if you'll even land on your feet.

It's been a pretty crazy year... it took quite a while for me to move into the house i had bought back in 2007... had to furnish it, decorate, buy furniture, install cable, internet, etc., then find my bearings back in LA.  It took time to catch up with friends- old and new- and step back into the industry in LA which forgets your name a soon as it sees a new face. I've known for years now that i've picked a very fickle industry in which to attempt to succeed and i've known for just as long now that LA is no warmer than an igloo- unless you're the one to bring the fire.

SO 2009 was a year of finding my way... so to speak. I bought a GPS for my car, finally, so i'd stop getting lost on my way to auditions... i found an acting studio that i LOVE and ADORE, finally... and i found a way to deal with the struggle that plagues everyone trying to "make it." What a silly phrase.. "Make it."

Anyway, in September of 2009, i was about to turn 24 and life was looking a little bleak as i went to audition after audition, all the while turning down job offers in Asia and learning SO much in acting class.... It was the weekend before my birthday when i was sitting at home with a few people watching Sunday Night Football and this darn commercial kept playing during the breaks- it was a commercial with a girl i know and it was bumming me out HARD that i was watching her in this commercial while i had yet to book a job in the States. Of course there was a part of me that was genuinely happy for her, a part of me that found HOPE in the fact that she had found work, but overall my sense of dread outweighed either one of those... I went to bed that night thinking... "Great, i turn 24 on tuesday and haven't achieved anything in the States that i set out to do- my last audition on friday was for a role i'm not even fit for- i'm not Chinese/ Vietnamese and no amount of make up will change that- and now what?!" That imminent sense of doubt and dread filled my head that night and i slept horribly. I stayed in bed even longer than usual monday morning because try as i might, no reason to get up was really worth the stretch. Finally when i got up and checked my phone i found a bunch of messages from my manager in LA- they all said, "Call the office as soon as you get this."

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and quickly thought back to the past week to see if there was anything i had done wrong or failed to do... did i forget to go to an audition? did i make someone mad?...   After a few moments hesitation i picked up the phone and dialed the office... After the expected chitchat "how are you" etc., my manager said, "Alright dear, here's the deal. Cold Case wants to book you for that episode you auditioned for on friday but since you're not a SAG (screen actors guild) member we're going to have to see if they're willing to pay for your Taft Hartley fee. I'm going to call them now and see what they say but i just wanted you to know you got it!" 

I almost died. There i was the day before my 24th birthday wallowing in self-pity?anger?frustration? when my manager tells me i've booked my first real acting gig in the States- and on a show i actually love to watch nonetheless?! I don't remember what i said or if i was even coherent but about 5 minutes after we hung up while i was still doing some deep breathing to calm myself down and reminding myself that the studio could refuse to Taft Hartley me, my manager called back to say everything was a go and Cold Case would be making me SAG eligible and i would be shooting the episode that coming friday so i should be expecting phone calls to go in for a fitting and what not before then. I started crying. One of the few moments where i actually experienced tears of JOY in my life... i was crying and laughing and dancing around the house with little Miss Mattie (check my tumblr for pictures of her cute face) dancing and barking around me just as excited as i was... when my roomie walked in the house. She looked like she'd seen a madwoman and didn't know whether to hug me or call the madhouse. There i was sitting on the stairs crying and laughing with Mattie trying to jump up and lick my face - i was so stunned still it took me ages to explain what had happened then we jumped up and down and squealed together for a while before i pulled myself together to face the rest of the day.

I only told a few people initially... something silly in my head saying "don't jinx this by telling the world then have to explain yourself if something goes wrong and it doesn't happen." So i celebrated my 24th birthday that week and filmed my very first acting gig in the US... all in all a very insane week of celebration and nerves.

I'll skip over the details of filming the episode, but i will tell you that it was amazing. I was so nervous the day of that i was actually worried about throwing up on set haha... yeah... classy start to the day right? Well, i didnt throw up, i did however get to China Town on time where i had my own trailer to prepare myself for the day ahead. I was on set for 12 hours. The crew was amazingly nice and took really good care of us even though we were all guest stars. Catering was fantastic and i honestly had a blast- the rest of the cast was great, the scenes were beautiful, and contrary to all my worries, i felt right at home once i heard the pre-filming cues: "quiet on set, extras go, camera, slate, action!"

Weightless. I'm there but not really because i'm me but not really, i'm her and this is her life and it's our life and it's real. There's no way to really explain it without sounding crazy or hokey or silly but it's a rush. A huge rush. I get swallowed in a scene and the terror i feel going into it melt away into a warm pool of comfort that drains when i hear "cut" or "thats a wrap" and i'm back to me- something i'm familiar and comfortable with... missing the rush of nerves that fuels me into a scene.

The episode aired in November and again, i only really told my close friends and family because throughout the day of shooting i didnt get to see any of the playbacks and had no idea what the episode would look like or if i was any good haha Of course my friends managed to surprise me and invited a bunch of my friends over to watch the episode with me... lucky for them i'd been anxious and antsy all day so i had cooked and baked up a storm to pass the time and calm my nerves (cooking and baking has always been very theraputic to me... some people clean, i cook.) It was a great night (: i was incredibly thankful for all the support- even more so from my friends who weren't there and set their clocks in other time zones to catch the episode- or for my friends overseas who went above and beyond to find it online to watch! I'm truly blessed.

November came and went and in December i found myself back in Bangkok shooting a commercial then home for the holidays with family and friends then back here to Asia in January where i finished the commercial- which is now out and on the air- and shoot the March cover of Seventeen Magazine in Singapore plus an issue of ELLE magazine in Thailand, oh! and host the BIG NIGHT OUT concert in Singapore with Utt... January/ February was a very welcoming perfect mix of work and play here in Asia and two weeks after getting home - literally 2 weeks of adjusting back to life in the States, unpacking, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, surprise parties, baby showers, etc., here i am again back in Thailand for work....

Have i ever written about Vertigo? My life is vertigo... but i suppose i'll have to explain that a little later. For now i've got to get into my apartment and clean off the travel dirt from my skin. I've got so much to tell you all, i feel like i'm bursting at the seams. Bear with me and we can continue our little dance (: 

love,

Taya